Hope

“People are like stained-glass windows. They sparkle and shine when the sun is out, but when the darkness sets in, their true beauty is revealed only if there is a light from within.”

~Elisabeth Kubler-Ross~

For my graduation gift in 2008, my parents took me (and all my siblings) to France because I studied French for 5 years and took the AP exam (please, don't ask me what I got on it).  We had the great opportunity to visit Paris for a few days.  My dear friend Julie Jacquet, practically a French-native, told me all the great, less visited spots that we should make an effort to see.  Naturally, we wanted to visit the Notre Dame and Julie told us we should take a moment to see the back of it.  Boy was Julie right!  It was gorgeous.  And, might I argue to say even more gorgeous in its hidden beauty than the front.  The first picture is the back of the Notre Dame from the back as we were walking away.  The second picture is one one of many stained-glass windows in the Notre Dame.  I like to think it is the same window that is seen from the back of the cathedral.

This stained glass window is much more gorgeous in the dark.  What makes it even more beautiful is to think that it is rarely seen from the outside, as people don't think to look at the back of the cathedral.

This brings me comfort as for the past few days I have been struggling with the "darkness" I am living through right now, especially when I think that I am unnoticed.  As I write this post, I realize that it is the unseen that is appreciated.  It is what is treasured.  We all need to make sure our light shines its brightest in the dark so we can be the light at the end of tunnel for someone else.  We can be a source of someone else's hope.

I had the great opportunity to visit a dear family friend who just had her first baby two months ago today!  I gleaned hope from her.  I was able to hold her infant son and rock him to sleep.  I have always had the desire to be a mother.   I was 4, almost 5, when my brother was born.  I would lay with him on his blanket and play with him.  On one specific occasion, my mother picked him up to feed him.  I yelled at her, "Mom, you think this baby is yours.  But it's not!"  Needless to say, I have always looked forward to the day when I can have children of my own.  I am well aware of the hard work it is, but I earnestly look forward to the day when I can spend the early hours of the morning holding my child and helping him (or her) sleep.  I look forward to moments when I will be able to watch the sun set and rise all while calming a fussy baby.

This is my source of hope.

Well, I still need to finish blogging my Body Image Challenge experiences.  Believe me, I will.  The last day was amazingly powerful.  I think you'll believe so too. 

The Challenge: Days 4-6

"Use what talent you possess: the woods would be very silent if no birds sang except those that sang best."

-
Henry Van Dyke-

Day 4:  Get Ready on the Inside

I recognize the importance of taking a day or two to focus on you and not so much on what you look like.  That said, I didn't fully follow the challenge today.  I woke up 45 minutes late to get ready for an appointment I had Friday morning.  I could have skipped the make-up or the shower.  Or even picking a cute outfit.  Rather, I did it all.  But hey, at least I didn't curl my hair too.  

I learned from my 13+ years of ballet that I really didn't dance well when I would look in the mirror and didn't feel "pretty."  Let's be honest, as a dedicated ballerina in a pre-professional school there's not many straight men.  So, no, I was not focused on looking beautiful in hopes of wooing someone who wasn't even interested in women.  Also, you don't have many friends in the dance world.  As students we were always in competition one with another.  So, no, I was not trying to look beautiful for other girls.  And hey, I never had a ballet teacher who liked me.  Most of them were verbally and emotionally abusive.  So, heck no, I was not trying to look beautiful for them either.  It was for me.  There is something about feeling confident and proud of yourself.  I knew I could dance my best when I liked how I looked.  So, long story short, I have always wanted to feel beautiful...for ME.

Instead of spending less time to get ready this morning, I spent more time enjoying myself.  As I mentioned in my last post, I have been drained.  I really can't do it any longer.  Life is hard.  So, play hard.

My dear dear friend Erin and I love to do something at least once a week.  This week we planned to go to Hee Haw Farms in Pleasant Grove to pick pumpkins and then carve them.  I forced my textboook-school-homework-grades-obsessed sister into coming along.  Here's some documentation of what an AMAZING time we had...

Day 5: Exercise for Fun

Okay, so I planned to go apple picking for fun as a mild form of exercise.  But, the orchard we drove to was falsely advertised.  There was barely any trees and the apples were already picked.  :(

Here's the thing about exercise for me:  I WILL go overboard.  I see exercise as punitive.  I can only think about calories and weight loss when I exercise.  Especially when I do it by myself.  If it's done as a fun activity with a small group of people, it's a little better.  But, what's fun about watching the "calories burned" or "distance" buttons on the elliptical or treadmill?  My theory is that if you don't like a certain type of exercise, you shouldn't take part in it.  Do what you love.  Life is too short to not enjoy what you're doing.

So, when live gives you no apples, you buy apples and make homemade apple pie!

Day 6: No Fat Talk

I hate fat talk.  It is so derogatory.  I literally want to scream when a friend or family member criticizes their figure or   looks.  Why criticize the gift of mortality?  I understand wanting to stay fit and healthy, but don't hate yourself.  You are beautiful.  

This is the direct wording of the challenge:  "The obsession with weight, shape and appearance continues among women partially because we encourage it in each other. We have made it unacceptable for a woman to be at peace with her body. Refraining from speaking about weight and shape--positively or negatively--allows us to focus on a person’s real value and worth."

If only we could end the enabling aspect of fat talk, that would be a huge first step.  Don't encourage a friend to lose weight or criticize another.  A good second step would be to end fat talk towards people we don't even know.  Don't make judgments about people you don't know.  That's not fair either.  

Now, I hope you don't think I am preaching or blasting you.  I know I am guilty of fat talk.  Especially to people I don't know.  I try to end it.  The best I can do is only say it about people on TV.  Of course, we are our own worst critics as well.

How are we to begin to love ourselves if we are always basing our worth on a number on a scale?  It will never happen.

Well, I am still behind on blogging my experiences with "The Challenge," but I have a bucketload of homework to begin.  I wish you the best in your endeavors to think and speak positively about yourselves.  I hope I brought I new idea to the table with this post.  Sweet dreams to those who are heading to bed and good luck to those beginning their homework (like me).

The Challenge: Day 3

“Man often becomes what he believes himself to be. If I keep on saying to myself that I cannot do a certain thing, it is possible that I may end by really becoming incapable of doing it. On the contrary, if I have the belief that I can do it, I shall surely acquire the capacity to do it even if I may not have it at the beginning.”

-Mahatma Ghandi

Breathe.  No, really, take a breath.  Now do that 20 more times.  

Today's been an emotionally draining day.  To sum it up: sometimes being nice, loving, and doing good deeds doesn't pay off.

DAY 3: 10 Positive Things

The challenge: "Make a list of 10 positive things you like about yourself that have nothing to do with your appearance--and 10 positive things you like about your appearance."

10 Non-Appearance Related Affirmations

1.)  I have a deep love for others.

2.)  I have the power to change me.

3.)  I love how I have overcome so much.

4.)  I love how I am now able to look back and see the hell it was.

5.)  I love how I want to help others who are struggling with the same thing(s).

6.)  I love that I love to serve others.

7.)  I am learning not to pretend that I like or know something just to please people.

8.)  I recognize that I can't do things alone.

9.)  I can do things in moderation and balance.

10.) I am determined to do what I put my mind to--and to do it well.

10 Appearance Related Affirmations

1.)  I love my toenails.  They're perfect for putting on nail polish.

2.)  I love that I can wear my hair curly or straight without much distress.

3.)  I love my long neck.

4.)  I love my scars from bike riding in France.  They remind me that I don't have to be perfect to have fun and that I have a loving Heavenly Father looking out for me.

5.)  I love my moist skin.  I rarely have to put on lotion.

6.)  I love my eyes.  They are a beautiful shade of blue.

7.)  I love that I don't have a uni-brow.

8.)  I love my smile.  But only the one when I am truly happy or proud of an accomplishment.

9.)  I love my double-jointed skills.

10.)  I love my hip flexors.  I am mad flexible.  A great compliment: "My daughter thought you were a contortionist."

It was way harder to find 10 things I like/love about my body.  I almost gave up at 5.  I agree with Ghandi though.  It is what we believe about ourselves that we become.  If we believe we are mean and ugly, we will become mean and ugly.  It is when we truly believe that we are beautiful and loving that we become that way.  


I hope that whoever (if anybody) reads this will think of how they view themselves and find a way to appreciate who they are.  Feel free to leave a comment with one or more thing(s) you love about yourself.

The Challenge: Day 2

"[Our Father in Heaven] sees our divine nature.  We are His children.  The way He sees us, because of His love for us, is perfect.  The mirror which He holds constantly before us, if we will only raise our sight to look, is the one in which we should trust.  Its image is always true and never distorted.  He reminds us, as He did Moses, 'Thou art my son [or daughter]' (Moses 1:4)."

-Lynn G. Robbins-

Day 2:  God's Definition of Beauty

The assigned readings for today's challenge began with "True Beauty" by Elder Lynn G. Robbins Of the Seventy.  Here are some points that were particularly poignant to me:

• Happiness is a choice.  It is also an expectation.
• Happiness is what gives us beauty.
• Be able to see yourself through the eyes of those who love you, namely your Heavenly Father.
• We radiate beauty when we are righteous and live virtuous lives.
• "With the Lord there is no competition.  All have an equal privilege to have His image engraven upon their countenance (see Alma 5:19).  There is no truer beauty."

Next came two scriptures:

1 Samuel 16:7

"But the Lord said unto Samuel, Look not on his countenance, or on the height of his stature; because I have refused him: for the Lord seeth not as man seeth; for man looketh on the outward appearance, but the Lord looketh on the heart."

1 Corinthians 3:16

"Know ye not that ye are the temple of God, and that the Spirit of God dwelleth in you?"

Certainly God does not define beauty in the same ways we do.  A woman (or man) who is the model image of beauty does not have the same qualities of beauty that the Lord sees.  We have been born with everything we need to be beautiful and happy.  Don't look to outward sources.  Look within yourself and turn to the Lord.  Our challenge is to re-find who we are and what God has provided us with.  We all have unique beauty, gifts, and talents.  Let us find them.  

The Challenge: Day 1

“I testify that no one of us is less treasured or cherished of God than another. I testify that He loves each of us- insecurities, anxieties, self- image, and all. He doesn’t measure our talents or our looks;...He cheers on every runner, calling out that the race is against sin, not against each other.”

-Jeffrey R. Holland-

The Body Image Challenge.  The first few days ease you into it.  Not too scary.  

DAY 1: GET STARTED

I made the goal for the next 10 days to not obsess over my body.  

STEP 1:  Don't step on the scale.

STEP 2:  Don't obsess in the mirror

And, I am sure the steps will continue to grow as I realize what I do to beat myself up.  

So, the theme for Day 1 was to journal about the challenge and your body.  Specifically to express gratitude for your body and all it can do.  Here are some thoughts:

• Bodies are gifts of God.  They are NOT our own.  They are paid with the innocent blood of Christ.
• Bodies are the temple of the Holy Ghost.  Keep them worthy of such.
• Both of the previous bullets lead me to believe that not taking care of our bodies through adequate nutrition, exercise, and love are forms of disrespect.  Additionally, if we hate our bodies, is that an environment conducive to the Spirit?
• Bodies are incredible.  For one, they allow us to experience joy.  They are the greatest gift we will receive in mortality.  
• I am grateful for my body because it allows me to run, jump, skip, and twirl.  
• I am grateful for my body because it recovers quickly.  I have had nearly 10 sprains on one ankle (more if we count both).  Gratefully, I have avoided surgery because my body recovers quickly.
• I am grateful for my eyes.  I don't know what I would do if I couldn't witness the beauty of God's creations.  Another plus: they are a beautiful shade of blue.
• I am grateful for beauty.  My mother relayed a story from her mission to Taiwan that I feel is pertinent:  

My mother was on splits with a member of the ward in which she was serving.  They were visiting a woman who had set a baptismal date.  As they were discussing a specific lesson, the investigator asked, "How can I love a God who created some people ugly and some people beautiful?"  The ward member confidently bore witness that all God's creations are beautiful.  It is us imperfect beings who create judgments on God's creations.


I will close by saying that I wish everyone could see their beauty.  Truly God creates nothing that is ugly.  We cannot and should not rate or rank God's creations, of which we are supreme.  

Living What I Post

It is far too easy to write an idealistic post on your blog and then hope your life will turn out that way.  Though hope is powerful, there needs to be some action included in the recipe as well.  This post is a list of thoughts and actions that I've been working on a as a result of previous posts...


1.)  As of an hour ago, I signed up for BYU's 10 Day Body Image Challenge.  Starting October 10th, every day my life will be focused on an activity that will challenge body dissatisfaction and promote gratitude for my body.  The only thing I regret is not signing up for it earlier when they had their free "BEAUTIFUL" t-shirts in stock.  :)

2.)  I have been taking time each day to think of the people in my life for whom I am grateful.  Roommates.  Oh how easy it would be for my roommates to snap at me each time I say something without thinking.  Or every time I procrastinate taking out the trash.  I am the youngest in my apartment by a whole year, though sometimes it feels like I am a toddler compared to the beautiful, fun, and knowledgable women I am living with.  Living with roommates helps me remember to take others' lives and circumstances into perspective.  Hopefully I'll change for the better this semester.  Contrary to popular belief, the funnest experiences for girls happen late at night.  Take last night for example.  Three of us girls went to the grocery store at 1:30 AM.  Fun beyond belief.

Model poses of the roommates:

3.)  My weakness is to fall into the trap of beating myself up over every little thing.  Because it's my fault I'm not married (yet).  Because when there's silence in a conversation, it's all a sign that I am socially inept.  Right?  The list could go on.  But I am trying to work on changing my viewpoint into how these things are blessings.  For example, if I was married at my tender age of 20, would I really be happy?  Would I have had enough experience to decide who I want to grow with, fight with, and work with for the rest of the eternities?  I am so grateful I can learn from the classes in my major and minor, as well from my (many) engaged and married friends.  I am certainly not at the same developmental level as many who are my age and who are at different stages of their lives.  To sum it up:  No comparing!  You will never win.

4.)  I lack a lot of the social skills my peers have been able to develop over the years.  I blame it on the 13+ years I spent aiming to become a professional ballerina.  There's no need to be social in a field where you use your body to communicate.  Additionally, those who spent their Friday nights out with friends were strongly chastised by the ballet mistress.  Deprivation was equated with dedication.  If you weren't in the studio late Friday night, you were lazy.  It is easy for me to get caught up in the memories of the dance world.  I am trying to move on.  Past the self-defeating messages that were engrained in me.  Past the "what if I kept with it" day dreams.  Past the longing for the identity I had when I danced.  Maybe someday I can move past the trauma of it all and dance, once again, for fun.  For the pure joy it used to bring me.  But, as in my last post, I will not focus on what I lack, but what I am blessed to have.  From the dance experience, I have gained the challenge to learn to love and appreciate myself.  Challenges make the lessons learned so much more meaningful.  I have gained insight into what my limits are.  I had to end the unhealthy results I had because of dance and have learned when I need to say "stop" or "no."  I am blessed with flexibility that I still love to show off.  

5.)  Through the craziness of this semester, I have come across people who I don't get along with.  I try not to mind that I'm not their favorite person either.  By recognizing what I can't stand about someone, I can ask myself, "do I do that?" or "is that how I come across?"  It's all in the process of becoming the person I want to be.

I've probably lost most of those who started reading this post.  But, at least I can say it was therapeutic for me.  ;)

Tying Together Attitudes of Gratitude

The past few days have been filled with amazing experiences.  I could write pages and pages on the influence my dear friends have on me.  For the sake of time (and my grades) I will restrain myself.  The topics I wish to focus for this post come from Stephanie Nielson's message given at BYU on Thursday and President Monson's address given during the Sunday morning session of the LDS General Conference.  The tie-in is the fact that we should not focus on what we lack, but rather what we are blessed to have.

Ms. Nielson spoke beautifully of her trying experiences.  Though the space in which she spoke was over-crowded and bustling with little children, it was sacred ground.  Her emotional testimony of the past two indescribably difficult years since her plane crash left the audience with a solemn awareness of her courage and strength.  The pain and sorrow that she experienced could be felt so powerfully by all in attendance.  

Most who try to convince women that they should see their worth and inward beauty are not very successful.  The professionals who give lectures and write books on the topic most often have little personal experience with the subject matter.  Stephanie Nielson, without a doubt, knows the trial it is for women to look in the mirror and say "I am not my body."  She did not try to allude to the idea that this process is quick and easy, as many who have spoken on the subject have.  I personally know that when you are caught in the trap of believing that one less pound will bring you the love and acceptance you have been lacking for so long, you do not see what others see.  And while many try to shake sense into you, it will take years, sometimes even decades of failings and self-discovery to begin to understand that "You are not your body."

Stephanie Nielson spent the last twenty minutes or so of her address to speak personally to each woman (and man) in the audience.  Beauty is found in the spirit of a person.  Our bodies are merely meant to house and protect our spirits.  Our spirits are the ones that face trials, temptations, and heartaches.

Our spirits can harbor no more discouragement.  It is time to know of our beautiful worth.  Despite the physical imperfections that we have, Stephanie bore witness that our beauty shines through once we believe that "we are not our bodies."  We need to turn away from physical preoccupations and focus on recapturing our beauty.

Ms. Nielson believes she was given a second chance because she wanted her body and she wanted to experience life.  For months she struggled with finding the courage to look in the mirror and allowing her children visit her in the hospital.

The greatest lesson I gleaned from her address can be summed up in what she said near the end.  "I could see.  I could smell.  I had my children....And I did.  I did feel beautiful again."  No doubt there are days that are more difficult than others.  No doubt there are moments when she yearns for life before the plane crash.  But she does not let that paralyze her.  She focuses on what she is blessed with, not what she is lacking.

President Monson counseled us to focus on the blessings that we have.  Not what we are lacking.

He stated, "We can lift ourselves and others as well when we refuse to remain the in realm of negative thinking and cultivate within ourselves an attitude of gratitude."

What a blessing it is to listen to Conference and have topics touch listeners in such a personal way.  I love President Monson and the prophetic counsel he gives.

What a perfect weekend.  I was  edified and strengthened in so many ways.

To listen to this Conference talk and others, follow this link:

October 2010 General Conference

We All Suck

I love the weekends.  I especially love the weekends because I can be reunited with my social life. :)  For the past couple weekends, I have been able to have insightful conversations with friends and family.  That's where the title for this post comes from.  I had a friend and mentor tell me today, "We all suck.  It just depends on who we ask."  He then went on to explain that (hopefully) his mom would say he's wonderful.  But if he were to ask his ex-girlfriend he would get a totally different impression of himself.  

The truth is we all impact people.  For better or for worse, we impact people.  After giving our best effort, we have little choice as to whether or not someone will like who we are.  I'm glad that is the case.  If everyone liked me and said what I wanted to hear I would go cRaZy!  Don't get me wrong, I love a little validation here and there, but I need someone to tell me when I am rude and that my outfit is not that flattering on me.  We can all learn so much from others' opinions.  We all have something to offer to others.

I have always been a proponent of wanting people to believe they are wonderful and love-able.  While this is true, we cannot have the false notion that everyone will love us and think about how wonderful we are.  That is just unrealistic!  When someone tells us we've hurt them, we cannot be paralyzed by the idea.  Instead, we must learn to work on our faults while at the same time having realistic expectations.  So is life.  

When I have more time I will write about the amazing and sacred experience I had last night listening to Stephanie Nielson speak.  Just to get you thinking about the topics she addressed, watch this:

Stephanie Nielson

Hope you have a fabulous weekend and enjoy Conference!