Change is What I Know

I was encouraged this past Sunday to blog again by a beautiful woman in my local church congregation.  She is strong and passionate.  I don't know much about her, but her story of conversion from Islam to being a member of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints has given me greater insight into my own faith.  So Bilo, this one's for you.  ;)

Just about 3 weeks ago I was released from my calling as Relief Society President of my local congregation.  I served for 22 months in that position and I attribute my growth, insight, faith, accomplishments, and deep human relationships to that calling; in part, it was the blessings and insights that come to a Relief Society President and in part, it was the women themselves that allowed these changes to occur within me.  Many of the women I came to know during that time have moved on: marriages, education, new career paths, life changes, and itchings for change prompted changes in their life course.  However, I will never forget even one of them nor will I forget any of the women I still have the opportunity to see every week.  The strength and resilience of these women has inspired me to live life larger, deeper, and more intensely.  I've had the opportunity to re-evaluate what life means to me and to others.  I've grown in my faith and understanding of what a loving Heavenly Father feels for each of his daughters and in turn what love truly means.  This release has been my biggest change of 2014.  

For the longest time I only really desired one thing: an absence of change.  When I was struggling in my eating disorder and deep depression, I refused to believe that relinquishing the struggle and allowing change within would help anything.  I was convinced that my finite foresight was reality.  And, as easy as it is to say that I was wrong, it is even harder to apply that truth to the here and now.  Though I am not struggling in my eating disorder or a deep depression anymore, letting go is still required of each of us.  It is simple, but never easy.

My Stake President recently taught that many times we are required to bury our pasts deep in the ground.  He was referring to past transgressions and sins, but I think it can also be applied to past faults, past relationships, past coping mechanisms, and a longing for the past.  In short we must bury the things we had to let go of that allowed us to move forward and grow.  Life will not work out as God intended if we walk with our eyes behind us.  

And so I leave you with a challenge: dedicate yourselves to experience the heartache of moving on in the next 60 days.  Sounds sadistic, huh?  But, I know each of us is dreaming of days gone by when we must believe in better things to come.

~Come What May and Love It~

Womanhood: Ordained of God

Womanhood is ordained of God.  What a sacred role we as women play in the Plan of Salvation!  We are blessed to be mothers and nurturers.  Though I am neither a wife nor mother (as of yet), I know for certain that I am promised those blessings.  I am still a mother figure to many, nurturing souls, and protecting children in my line of work.  While I wait for those aforementioned promised blessings, I am a defender of of God's plan.  I have complete faith in His wisdom and mercy.

Society has told us that being a wife and mother is not enough.  We must become better than men.  However, this is a lie propagated to thwart God's plan.  We are all equal in the sight of God, and it is unacceptable to belittle and push down men in order to gain supremacy.  

Jesus Christ is the head of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints.  It is not the philosophies of men or even imperfect men (or women) who lead and guide the Church.  It is through personal revelation that we can know for a surety of this plain truth and have trust and faith that the doctrines and principles of this restored gospel were, and are, revealed to leaders from God.  Protesting will not change God's plan for His children.

God's laws were established before the creation of the universe.  One of those is the responsibilities and blessings inherent in being a woman.  The Family: A Proclamation to the World (https://www.lds.org/bc/content/shared/content/english/pdf/36035_000_24_family.pdf) clearly states: 

"ALL human beings—male and female—are created in the image of God. Each is a beloved spirit son or daughter of heavenly parents, and, as such, each has a divine nature and destiny. Gender is an essential characteristic of individual premortal, mortal, and eternal identity and purpose.

"In The Premortal realm, spirit sons and daughters knew and worshipped God as their eternal Father and accepted his plan by which his children could obtain a physical body and gain earthly experience to progress toward perfection and ultimately realize their divine destiny as heirs of eternal life."

Yes!  We each have divine roles and potentials.  Neither is above or below the other.  We are divinely created to have different roles.  I know we have Heavenly parents who model the perfect synchrony of men and women in how they complement each other and how thy sustain the other.  

A clear example of how God's plan came to be on earth is the story Adam and Eve.  A modern day apostle of the Lord Jesus Christ said the following:

"From the rib of Adam, Eve was formed (see Gen. 2:22; Moses 3:22; Abr. 5:16). Interesting to me is the fact that animals fashioned by our Creator, such as dogs and cats, have thirteen pairs of ribs, but the human being has one less with only twelve. I presume another bone could have been used, but the rib, coming as it does from the side, seems to denote partnership. The rib signifies neither dominion nor subservience, but a lateral relationship as partners, to work and to live, side by side.

"Adam and Eve were joined together in marriage for time and for all eternity by the power of that everlasting priesthood (see Gen. 2:24–25; Moses 3:25; Abr. 5:18–19). Eve came as a partner, to build and to organize the bodies of mortal men. She was designed by Deity to cocreate and nurture life, that the great plan of the Father might achieve fruition. Eve 'was the mother of all living' (Moses 4:26). She was the first of all women."

--Russell M. Nelson

The late Prophet of the Church, President Gordon B. Hinckley, gave a beautiful talk on women entitled, "The Women in Our Lives" (https://www.lds.org/general-conference/2004/10/the-women-in-our-lives?lang=eng).  He explains in this address that the grand, crowning, summation of the glorious and marvelous Creation was the placing of women upon the earth.  With the complementary nature of men and women working beside each other, one sex cannot degrade or belittle the other without degrading and belittling himself or herself.  So why the urge to insist that women are better than men?

I have always felt equal with men in the Church.  Surely their ordination to the Priesthood blesses both men and women.  Both men and women must be worthy to be blessed by the Priesthood.  I have the same access to the blessings of the Priesthood as men.  A man cannot bless himself or perform for himself ordinances of the Gospel.  It comes through service from others.  Women perform one of the greatest acts of service by housing the bodies of children before they come to earth and then through raising them alongside their husbands.  Women perform great acts of service by serving in leadership positions in the church.  Women perform an immense service by being faithful in their callings as visiting teachers, mourning with those that mourn and comforting those that stand in need of comfort.  Women perform acts of service each and every time they go to the temple, serving those who cannot make covenants and receive ordinances on their own.  

One of my dearest friends stated it perfectly when she said that if it was necessary for our salvation as women to hold the Priesthood, God would have given it to us.  He hasn't.  That shows us that it is not necessary.  Though, it is necessary to receive ordinances and blessings through the Priesthood, and that is a perfect explanation for me.

As a Relief Society President in a local congregation, I have much input into the workings of our congregation.  I have always been invited to counsel with the male leaders of my ward before any decision affecting the welfare of the members of the ward has been made.  I have worked alongside male leaders and they have sought after my perspective, insight, wisdom, and knowledge.  I have had a great impact on many--men and women alike.  This is an example of God's workings in the details of His children.  

The late James E. Foust said the following in a public address to women entitled, "Womanhood: The Highest Place of Honor":

"In the movie 'My Fair Lady,' Professor Higgins poses the question, 'Why can’t a woman be more like a man?' What a terrible mistake that would be. The opportunities for you young sisters in today’s world are endless. The recognition of the special gifts of women has been slow in coming. The Woman’s Exponent of 1872 reported that some who would improve women’s status 'are so radical in their extreme theories that they would set her in antagonism to man, assume for her a separate and opposing existence; and to show how entirely independent she should be would make her adopt the more reprehensible phases of character which men present, and which should be shunned or improved by them instead of being copied by women.'

"I wonder if you sisters fully understand the greatness of your gifts and talents and how all of you can achieve the 'highest place of honor' in the Church and in the world." (https://www.lds.org/general-conference/2000/04/womanhood-the-highest-place-of-honor?lang=eng&query=women)

I have a testimony of the Plan of Happiness.  I know that Heavenly Father has an intricate plan for each of us.  We as women are not secondary in God's plan.  We hold an important place in God's Kingdom.  Let us not diminish that role.  We have beautiful contributions to offer.  Let us not waste time dilly-dallying in ideas and philosophies that are contrary to the will and plan of God.

Digging Deep

I have talked with many (and I myself am guilty of such a crime) who shove emotions down--deep down.  Emotions...who has time for that?  As a full time senior-level social work student at GMU, graduate school candidate, intern with the City of Alexandria, part-time ballet instructor, full time church member and lay-leader, I certainly ain't got time for emotions!  Let's be honest, I really should be writing a paper that's due at midnight tonight.  Let's also be really honest and admit that I need to blog more than I need to write this paper.

If we repeatedly shove our emotions down, where will they go?  Out.  Just in not such a productive or effective way.  This may look like sadness, anger, or anxiety.  I've tried, on many occasions, to shove things down.  Take my word for it when I say that while it may seem like a good fix in the moment to avoid "feeling," the long term consequences can be devastating.  

As a patient in eating disorder treatment centers, I was frequently asked to sit in the moment and be okay with "feeling."  Whether it was with the emotions of guilt, anger, or anxiety, I was guided with deep breathing, guided imageries, and meditation to calm my mind and body.  None of those techniques ever worked for me, and so it seemed like I was the exception.  I'm sure I'm not alone in this thought: "[insert technique, advice, expectation, blessing, promise, or consequence] is true for everyone else but me.  I'm the exception to the rule."  Whatever the reason for this belief, we need to also realize it is not true.

At some point during this past week, we all have done something that we knew was "bad" for us and yet we still did it anyways.  Whether it was skipping a day of exercise, forgetting to read scriptures or pray, meandering on facebook for too long, or maybe even staying up too late, we did something "bad" this week.  Me?  I've doubted.  My achilles heel in life is believing that I will not live "happily ever after."  And while that is my greatest fear, I also know that is not the case.  Happiness can occur for everyone and anyone.  I am not the exception to that rule.  Come what may...I will love it.  I will keep my part of the promises that have been made.  I will dig deep to find the endurance and perseverance to trust in what will come and what will be.  I will find happiness in life.  

Cry Uncle

Remember playing "cry uncle" as a kid?  I do.  If you have brothers, you most likely know this game very well.  In essence, the first person to "cry uncle" while enduring a physical form of pain, loses.  So, when it is acceptable to cry uncle?  When you're about to lose an appendage?  How about when you are holding back tears?  What if everything around you is falling to pieces?

I look back at the past 6 months and realize I could've cried uncle many times.  I wanted to so badly.  I could've at the end of summer.  I didn't want to begin another semester of school, fearful that I would ruin my near-perfect GPA without the motivation and stamina to endure the break up and stay at the top of my game, aiming to perform well in all arenas in order to be accepted into graduate school.  I could've when I began to lose weight.  At times I would have rather been force fed.  I didn't have the emotional energy to feed myself.  While driving home from a doctor's appointment today, I wanted so badly to yell a horrible expletive at the top of my lungs.  Why, after 6 months am I still trying to clean up the mess he made of me?  I've begun to realize that he did not do this to me.  I let him.  At times, I wished that somebody would have cried uncle for me.  But, agency is a powerful tool that only we can unlock for ourselves.  

I look at the populations with which I come in to contact at my internship.  If they had cried uncle, many families would still have their children, and in some cases, society would still have many bright and budding youth had they not had to suffer by the hands of their caregivers.

I look at the times people have played with fire.  Had they cried uncle, marriages would be intact, addictions would be curbed, and self-sabotage would not exist.  We have greater potential than we give ourselves credit.  We also have a greater influence than we see.  Our choices affect more people than just ourselves.  Just like Jimmy Stewart in It's a Wonderful Life, we have great power--for better or for worse.  We just need to step back and see the impact of our choices.  Some days will look bleak.  But, look beyond that moment.  Don't sacrifice a life of happiness for a moment of pleasure.

So what if I had cried uncle?  I would have never learned that I can do hard things.  We are stronger than we think.  Though many times it is easier, and cleaner, to throw in the towel, it is of much more worth to keep going.  We will surprise ourselves.  I know I surprised myself.  We are tested and tried all our lives, but we are human beings with a divine potential.  We are not alone.  Nor were we ever.  The minute we think God has left us, we need to remember the flowers, the clouds, each blade of grass, and the future.  Everyone has a future.  Make it great.  You deserve that.  I deserve that.   

I don't make New Year's Resolutions, butI hope that I will be able to keep things in perspective--God's perspective--this year.  I may not be able to see things from that perspective all the time, but I can have faith in a greater plan than what I have for myself.  You should try it.  It works miracles.  He works miracles.  

While Dreams of Sugar Plums Danced in Their Heads...

Every year I perform the Nutcracker, I have a very different experience.  No two Nutcrackers are the same.  

I was fifteen and I distinctly remember being told by the ballet mistress at the Washington School of Ballet, in front of my entire class, that I was a horrible dancer who should have never been cast in the Nutcracker.  In retrospect, I know this was all a lie--a form of verbal and emotional abuse.  The Artistic Director of the Washington Ballet liked me and before the founder of the Washington Ballet died, she told my parents that I had great potential, I just needed to eat more.  Even this ballet mistress had loved me at one point.  But every time I came close to excelling, she would pull the rug out from under me.  That was my last Nutcracker before I reached my breaking point and quit dance.

Fast forward nearly 6 years.  I reconnected with the ballet teacher I had when I was 6 years old because I knew she was one of the only teachers I had who cared about her students as people, and nurtured them with love and compassion.  I knew that if I was going to face this monster named "dance," I would have to do it with someone I trusted.  Within a month, I was recruited by this teacher to perform the Sugar Plum Fairy in a shortened version of the Nutcracker.  I overcame great emotional struggles to perform the role that year.  I cried, I panicked.  The voices of ballet past came back.  But, I did it.  I have many mentors to thank for that.  One in particular has been my rock over the past few years, encouraging me every step of the way.  I went on to perform in front of loving friends and family.  I was on cloud 9.  

The following year, I performed the same role again.  The only difference was there was no partner to dance the Grand Pas de Deux with me.  I was much more relaxed, and enjoyed the time I spent with the little dancers.  I was touched to see so many parents, volunteers, and teachers come together and sacrifice for these dancers to put on a production to remember.  This was the first full length Nutcracker the studio would perform and it turned out to be a great success.  

This year, I performed two solo roles: the Snow Queen and the Sugar Plum Fairy.  This time I had a partner.  Interestingly enough, we had danced at the same studio when I was growing up.  Funny how things come full circle in this small world.  He was a great support and personal cheerleader.  I am so grateful we had the opportunity to dance together.  I rehearsed and dedicated much of my time to the production, hoping that my racing thoughts would come to halt.  This was the case.  I have a loving second family who took care of me at my lows.  My co-workers took me under their wings and nurtured me and helped me realize that I can do hard things.  Dance is therapeutic for me.  In the moments when I dance, my whole mind, body, and spirit are focused on that one thing.  There is no room for worries, fears, or negative thoughts to flood in.  And, when I'm on stage, it's just my partner and me.  Occasionally I would take a peek into the curtains and see my mentors and rocks watching lovingly as I danced.  Those images are ones that I will hold dear to my heart forever.  I wish I could thank thank to the degree to which I am grateful.  But for now, that is impossible.  I am truly indebted to them.  

I felt like a celebrity in Fauquier County this year.  I was featured in the Fauquier Times-Democrat, Warrenton Lifestyle, and had my picture plastered all over the town.  At the end of our last performance, I was bombarded with little girls wanting to take their picture with me and to have my autograph, telling me I was their favorite part of the Nutcracker.  How could a timid, beaten down girl turn into a blessed, passionate hero of little girls?  It's taken a lot--both from within and from outside support.  I wouldn't trade these experiences for anything.  Not even a chance to dance with a top-notch company, for dreams are actualized in the humblest of circumstances.