Don't Take Yourself So Seriously!

Tears slowly dripped down my cheeks as I drove home after an exhausting day filled with academic critiques and a full night of dance lessons.  These tears were an 180 degree change from the tears that slowly dripped down my cheeks just 3 1/2 hours earlier beneath my bug-eyed shades protecting me from the late afternoon sun.  

Earlier in the day, it occurred to me that this week is National Eating Disorder Awareness Week.  I immediately had an overwhelming sense of love and gratitude for where I am in relation to where I've been.  After a decade long battle with an eating disorder, I was supposed to be just another statistic.   I was supposed to be another victim who lost all meaning and purpose in life.  However, I was told last week by a treatment provider that I "beat the odds."  I am now a face of survival and hope and recovery in a world with such disheartening views and prognoses of eating disorders.  Courage, strength, and perseverance were heralded to my name.  Yet, I can only see these attributes in those who could have so easily given up on me and given in to my disorder.

Tonight my mindset changed drastically as I drove home.  The comfort of negative self-talk crept back in to my mind.  I drove almost half way from Warrenton to my home in Fairfax before I realized what I was doing to myself.  It's so much easier to give in to the negativity the world bombards us with than to fight it all.  Hadn't I just been reminded that I have proven I have  the ability to overcome such maladaptive habits?

I've been thinking a lot over the past few weeks of an experience I had recently.  I had been called into dance early to provide the Artistic Director of the studio with music for her class.  As she plugged in my iPhone to the stereo, the last song I had listened to blasted from the speakers.  It's a ridiculous song, one that I love to dance to while I get ready in the morning.  The class of 10 or so little ballerinas quickly exchanged their proper posture and pristine 5th positions for hip-hop dance moves at the first note of the song.  What's to learn from this experience?  Don't take yourself so seriously that you miss out on the oft-times imperfect yet exhilarating chances life throws you.

As I drove the rest of the way home I realized that it's okay to have an upsetting moment or even a horrendous day.  Just don't take it so seriously!  Enjoy the next random event that is given to lift your spirits and your smile.  :)

Sometimes It's All So Surreal

Progression.  It's something we all think we want.  It seems so fine and dandy before we have to actually go through the process of growing.  I know I've felt those "growing pains" of changing into something new and better.  Hey, it's tough work!   In the end, progression has turned into something we realize we've wanted all along.  

I've written so much on my own personal progression and now I want to dally in the progression of those who have helped me progress.

Once in a while you develop a friendship with someone who you feel you've known before this life began.  Mayra is one of those.  We met at the young age of 18 as we both entered our freshman year at Brigham Young University-Provo.  We lived a few doors down from each other.  From that first orientation day when I couldn't figure out how the spelling of "Mayra" could sound like "Mida," to being her Maid of Honor in what couldn't have been a more beautiful day, and then to bawling my eyes out in pure joy after the news that she is now going to be a mother (to a precious little girl at that!) we have grown so much.  I have never met a more mature, gracious, classy young woman.  Sometimes it's all so surreal.  Surreal in the sense that her dream is finally coming true.  Just a handful of months left!

Reflecting on the impact friends' progressions have had on me would not be complete without mentioning Jenn.  Jenn has always been a support.  Not only emotionally, but mentally.  She always finds a way to add a whole new dimension of humor to my day.  There are some things that seem impossible, insurmountable.  But for Jenn, there are no brick walls.  She has found her way through every challenge.

One day I hope I can have the effect on someone that so many have had on me.  One day I hope I can have attributes others admire.  I hope I can say to others, "You too can do this."  Someday.  And somedays this process of progression all seems so surreal.  

Teach Me Somewhere

How grateful am I for inspiring friends and righteous influences in my life!  I look back at the past year, or even 6 months, and am in awe of how far I've come.  It has not been on my merits alone, but on those who have born my burdens, who have lifted me, and who have been examples and inspirations in my life.

I love the hymn, "Come, Thou Fount of Every Blessing."  During a listen this morning, I heard the phrase, "Teach me somewhere."  Now, I must admit that I am not gifted at understanding people when they sing.  What I heard was, as usual, not what the lyrics read.  What is really written is "Teach me some melodious sonnet."  But, "Teach me somewhere" struck a chord with me so I will continue my post on that phrase.  Throughout the past week, my emotions have been near the surface and my heart has been full.  I was faced with a rather unexpected and difficult circumstance for which I was greatly unprepared.  How often do we ask to be taught in life, expecting it to be appreciated on all levels and for it to be a blessing and not a trial?  Some know, or have surmised, that I have struggled with an eating disorder and depression for a large part of my life.  I have always yearned to be taught and yet I would never have considered those trials to be the Lord's answer to my plea, "Teach me somewhere, Lord."  Now, over a decade later, I see it.  I see that I had to struggle with something so fatal and so devastating.  Of all the things I have learned about myself, my limits, my weaknesses, my interactions with others, and such, I want to share this one, most important lesson:

God has a plan for us.  

I know in His infinite wisdom, He knew I could overcome and manage my struggles, with the help of heaven.  I can see things coming together now, clearer than ever before.  I know my Heavenly Father loves me and has trusted me with these experiences for in His omnipotence and omniscience.  

Come, Thou Fount

All Things Denote There is a God

As I look back on my posts over the past year, I reflect on the multitude of change and growth I have undergone.  My only regret is that I neglected to note the source of my growth and the foundation for my change.  

I worked this past week on preparing a lesson for the Gospel Essentials class I teach every 3rd Sunday at church.  The subject material was beautiful.  It was perfect.  It was on our Father in Heaven. The material in the manual and study guide was nothing foreign or new to me.  I've been raised a member of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints my whole life.  But, the thoughts and insights I had while preparing the lesson are what are profound.  I shared several personal experiences in the lesson that I wish to share here.  I know those who read this blog will respect them and hopefully feel of my sincerity as I write them.

While I was at BYU, most of the days were dark and cold, as I never stayed for the spring or summer terms.  I would frequently find myself walking back to my apartment, wishing I could make the trip faster.  On several occasions, I found myself looking at the sidewalk, wishing my life was different.  Then I would notice the flowers.  No matter the season, there are always flowers.  These flowers bore witness to me that all things denote there is a God.  If we but have eyes to see and hearts to feel, I know we can feel of our Father's love.  Through His Son, Jesus Christ, He created the world we live in.  He created the night sky, the perfect order of seasons, the spider and her web, the rushing sound of water, and even the wildflowers.  Certainly He loves His children.

Just last year I spent a few hours one day volunteering at Inova Fairfax Hospital for Children. I spent the majority of my time with a very needy boy.  I left that evening feeling inadequate and powerless.  During my drive home,  I heard the words, "You are worth more than you know."

I know, without a doubt, that I have a Heavenly Father who loves me.  He has given me all I have.  He has provided a way for us to live with Him again. If we could all see a glimpse of what lays in wait for us, we would have no reason to be sorrowful. We must remember where we came from and where we are headed.  He loves us. If we but recognize all things denote there is a God, we will see His loving hand guiding us and reminding us of our royal heritage and divine potential.

I pray that I may have the increased resolve this year to recognize God's hand even more as I draw near unto Him.

Performance Clips

I'm not posting these to receive compliments or praise, but rather to fulfill my promise to several friends who requested I post clips from my performances.  The Nutcracker went well.  And the support and love I received was all worth it.  I love you.  Merry Christmas!

Nutcracker Pas de Deux

Cavalier

Sugar Plum

Coda