I'm Ready

It's been a long little while since I last posted.  I've been busy in so many ways.  I spent 11 days in the hospital and then withdrew from BYU to come home to focus on "me."  And, now I'm ready.  I'm ready to begin blogging again.  

It really is in times of crisis that you find that the world is a good place.  There are many people who are willing to support and love you.  It was especially hard to be in the hospital in Salt Lake considering my closest family member was living 2 hours away, due to the construction on I-15, in Provo.  Also mind you that this family member had a full 16-credit load to worry about on top of trying to take care of me.  I love her.  I had family members that I haven't had a real conversation with in years offer to help.  Blood really is thicker than water.  I had the best of friends offer their love and support as well as time to help me pack my hoards full of stuff.  I had one professor in particular who has e-mailed me several times.  He wrote that he and his wife pray for my full recovery.  I love these people.  ALL of them.  :)

Besides blogging, I am ready for so much more!  I'm ready...

1.)  To stop being so self conscious.  Heck, if I want to dance at a party, I'll dance.  If I want to take up water colors, by darn I'll do it!

2.)  To take time for me.  I'm going to stop taking care of the whole world and realize that I need to put me first 9 times out of 10.

3.)  To consider other options.  Maybe BYU wasn't the best fit.  That doesn't mean I'm a failure.  Just, well, different.

4.)  To be honest.  I need to be honest with myself and others.  If I'm not having the best of days, I'm not going to stuff it and "deal" with it later.

Well, I think that's it for now.  Thank you.

Hope

“People are like stained-glass windows. They sparkle and shine when the sun is out, but when the darkness sets in, their true beauty is revealed only if there is a light from within.”

~Elisabeth Kubler-Ross~

For my graduation gift in 2008, my parents took me (and all my siblings) to France because I studied French for 5 years and took the AP exam (please, don't ask me what I got on it).  We had the great opportunity to visit Paris for a few days.  My dear friend Julie Jacquet, practically a French-native, told me all the great, less visited spots that we should make an effort to see.  Naturally, we wanted to visit the Notre Dame and Julie told us we should take a moment to see the back of it.  Boy was Julie right!  It was gorgeous.  And, might I argue to say even more gorgeous in its hidden beauty than the front.  The first picture is the back of the Notre Dame from the back as we were walking away.  The second picture is one one of many stained-glass windows in the Notre Dame.  I like to think it is the same window that is seen from the back of the cathedral.

This stained glass window is much more gorgeous in the dark.  What makes it even more beautiful is to think that it is rarely seen from the outside, as people don't think to look at the back of the cathedral.

This brings me comfort as for the past few days I have been struggling with the "darkness" I am living through right now, especially when I think that I am unnoticed.  As I write this post, I realize that it is the unseen that is appreciated.  It is what is treasured.  We all need to make sure our light shines its brightest in the dark so we can be the light at the end of tunnel for someone else.  We can be a source of someone else's hope.

I had the great opportunity to visit a dear family friend who just had her first baby two months ago today!  I gleaned hope from her.  I was able to hold her infant son and rock him to sleep.  I have always had the desire to be a mother.   I was 4, almost 5, when my brother was born.  I would lay with him on his blanket and play with him.  On one specific occasion, my mother picked him up to feed him.  I yelled at her, "Mom, you think this baby is yours.  But it's not!"  Needless to say, I have always looked forward to the day when I can have children of my own.  I am well aware of the hard work it is, but I earnestly look forward to the day when I can spend the early hours of the morning holding my child and helping him (or her) sleep.  I look forward to moments when I will be able to watch the sun set and rise all while calming a fussy baby.

This is my source of hope.

Well, I still need to finish blogging my Body Image Challenge experiences.  Believe me, I will.  The last day was amazingly powerful.  I think you'll believe so too. 

The Challenge: Days 4-6

"Use what talent you possess: the woods would be very silent if no birds sang except those that sang best."

-
Henry Van Dyke-

Day 4:  Get Ready on the Inside

I recognize the importance of taking a day or two to focus on you and not so much on what you look like.  That said, I didn't fully follow the challenge today.  I woke up 45 minutes late to get ready for an appointment I had Friday morning.  I could have skipped the make-up or the shower.  Or even picking a cute outfit.  Rather, I did it all.  But hey, at least I didn't curl my hair too.  

I learned from my 13+ years of ballet that I really didn't dance well when I would look in the mirror and didn't feel "pretty."  Let's be honest, as a dedicated ballerina in a pre-professional school there's not many straight men.  So, no, I was not focused on looking beautiful in hopes of wooing someone who wasn't even interested in women.  Also, you don't have many friends in the dance world.  As students we were always in competition one with another.  So, no, I was not trying to look beautiful for other girls.  And hey, I never had a ballet teacher who liked me.  Most of them were verbally and emotionally abusive.  So, heck no, I was not trying to look beautiful for them either.  It was for me.  There is something about feeling confident and proud of yourself.  I knew I could dance my best when I liked how I looked.  So, long story short, I have always wanted to feel beautiful...for ME.

Instead of spending less time to get ready this morning, I spent more time enjoying myself.  As I mentioned in my last post, I have been drained.  I really can't do it any longer.  Life is hard.  So, play hard.

My dear dear friend Erin and I love to do something at least once a week.  This week we planned to go to Hee Haw Farms in Pleasant Grove to pick pumpkins and then carve them.  I forced my textboook-school-homework-grades-obsessed sister into coming along.  Here's some documentation of what an AMAZING time we had...

Day 5: Exercise for Fun

Okay, so I planned to go apple picking for fun as a mild form of exercise.  But, the orchard we drove to was falsely advertised.  There was barely any trees and the apples were already picked.  :(

Here's the thing about exercise for me:  I WILL go overboard.  I see exercise as punitive.  I can only think about calories and weight loss when I exercise.  Especially when I do it by myself.  If it's done as a fun activity with a small group of people, it's a little better.  But, what's fun about watching the "calories burned" or "distance" buttons on the elliptical or treadmill?  My theory is that if you don't like a certain type of exercise, you shouldn't take part in it.  Do what you love.  Life is too short to not enjoy what you're doing.

So, when live gives you no apples, you buy apples and make homemade apple pie!

Day 6: No Fat Talk

I hate fat talk.  It is so derogatory.  I literally want to scream when a friend or family member criticizes their figure or   looks.  Why criticize the gift of mortality?  I understand wanting to stay fit and healthy, but don't hate yourself.  You are beautiful.  

This is the direct wording of the challenge:  "The obsession with weight, shape and appearance continues among women partially because we encourage it in each other. We have made it unacceptable for a woman to be at peace with her body. Refraining from speaking about weight and shape--positively or negatively--allows us to focus on a person’s real value and worth."

If only we could end the enabling aspect of fat talk, that would be a huge first step.  Don't encourage a friend to lose weight or criticize another.  A good second step would be to end fat talk towards people we don't even know.  Don't make judgments about people you don't know.  That's not fair either.  

Now, I hope you don't think I am preaching or blasting you.  I know I am guilty of fat talk.  Especially to people I don't know.  I try to end it.  The best I can do is only say it about people on TV.  Of course, we are our own worst critics as well.

How are we to begin to love ourselves if we are always basing our worth on a number on a scale?  It will never happen.

Well, I am still behind on blogging my experiences with "The Challenge," but I have a bucketload of homework to begin.  I wish you the best in your endeavors to think and speak positively about yourselves.  I hope I brought I new idea to the table with this post.  Sweet dreams to those who are heading to bed and good luck to those beginning their homework (like me).

The Challenge: Day 3

“Man often becomes what he believes himself to be. If I keep on saying to myself that I cannot do a certain thing, it is possible that I may end by really becoming incapable of doing it. On the contrary, if I have the belief that I can do it, I shall surely acquire the capacity to do it even if I may not have it at the beginning.”

-Mahatma Ghandi

Breathe.  No, really, take a breath.  Now do that 20 more times.  

Today's been an emotionally draining day.  To sum it up: sometimes being nice, loving, and doing good deeds doesn't pay off.

DAY 3: 10 Positive Things

The challenge: "Make a list of 10 positive things you like about yourself that have nothing to do with your appearance--and 10 positive things you like about your appearance."

10 Non-Appearance Related Affirmations

1.)  I have a deep love for others.

2.)  I have the power to change me.

3.)  I love how I have overcome so much.

4.)  I love how I am now able to look back and see the hell it was.

5.)  I love how I want to help others who are struggling with the same thing(s).

6.)  I love that I love to serve others.

7.)  I am learning not to pretend that I like or know something just to please people.

8.)  I recognize that I can't do things alone.

9.)  I can do things in moderation and balance.

10.) I am determined to do what I put my mind to--and to do it well.

10 Appearance Related Affirmations

1.)  I love my toenails.  They're perfect for putting on nail polish.

2.)  I love that I can wear my hair curly or straight without much distress.

3.)  I love my long neck.

4.)  I love my scars from bike riding in France.  They remind me that I don't have to be perfect to have fun and that I have a loving Heavenly Father looking out for me.

5.)  I love my moist skin.  I rarely have to put on lotion.

6.)  I love my eyes.  They are a beautiful shade of blue.

7.)  I love that I don't have a uni-brow.

8.)  I love my smile.  But only the one when I am truly happy or proud of an accomplishment.

9.)  I love my double-jointed skills.

10.)  I love my hip flexors.  I am mad flexible.  A great compliment: "My daughter thought you were a contortionist."

It was way harder to find 10 things I like/love about my body.  I almost gave up at 5.  I agree with Ghandi though.  It is what we believe about ourselves that we become.  If we believe we are mean and ugly, we will become mean and ugly.  It is when we truly believe that we are beautiful and loving that we become that way.  


I hope that whoever (if anybody) reads this will think of how they view themselves and find a way to appreciate who they are.  Feel free to leave a comment with one or more thing(s) you love about yourself.

The Challenge: Day 2

"[Our Father in Heaven] sees our divine nature.  We are His children.  The way He sees us, because of His love for us, is perfect.  The mirror which He holds constantly before us, if we will only raise our sight to look, is the one in which we should trust.  Its image is always true and never distorted.  He reminds us, as He did Moses, 'Thou art my son [or daughter]' (Moses 1:4)."

-Lynn G. Robbins-

Day 2:  God's Definition of Beauty

The assigned readings for today's challenge began with "True Beauty" by Elder Lynn G. Robbins Of the Seventy.  Here are some points that were particularly poignant to me:

• Happiness is a choice.  It is also an expectation.
• Happiness is what gives us beauty.
• Be able to see yourself through the eyes of those who love you, namely your Heavenly Father.
• We radiate beauty when we are righteous and live virtuous lives.
• "With the Lord there is no competition.  All have an equal privilege to have His image engraven upon their countenance (see Alma 5:19).  There is no truer beauty."

Next came two scriptures:

1 Samuel 16:7

"But the Lord said unto Samuel, Look not on his countenance, or on the height of his stature; because I have refused him: for the Lord seeth not as man seeth; for man looketh on the outward appearance, but the Lord looketh on the heart."

1 Corinthians 3:16

"Know ye not that ye are the temple of God, and that the Spirit of God dwelleth in you?"

Certainly God does not define beauty in the same ways we do.  A woman (or man) who is the model image of beauty does not have the same qualities of beauty that the Lord sees.  We have been born with everything we need to be beautiful and happy.  Don't look to outward sources.  Look within yourself and turn to the Lord.  Our challenge is to re-find who we are and what God has provided us with.  We all have unique beauty, gifts, and talents.  Let us find them.