Wind Through My Hair

As spring is shyly popping up its head, I'm remembering I love the feeling of spring.  One of the things that got me through months and months of difficulty and hardship in Utah was walking to and from campus.  During the walks I would try to notice the little things.  A lone wildflower gratefully missed by the lawn mower.  Leaves cascading from the tree tops.  A little bird, finding its voice.  But above all else, the wind through my hair.  Sometimes it takes a little nudging to notice what we take for granted.  For me, it's a miserable day.  Those are the times when I try to find a testament of God's love in my surroundings.  Why else would He create such beauty in this world?

I received my acceptance letter to George Mason last week.  It was sweet to drive home to my youngest brother running up to me, trying to greet me at the car window as I pulled into the driveway.  He could hardly catch his breath as he shoved an envelope into my hands and said, "You got a letter from George Mason!"  I just sat, staring at the postage stamps and my name printed on the envelope.  My very anxious and excited brother said, "Well, did you make it?"  I hadn't even begun to tear open the envelope and he was dying inside.  I carefully tore through the sealing.  We both held our breath.  It was a yes.  I was accepted.  In spite of all the nerf-bullet shootings and begging to play video games, it's the moments when my younger brothers let their guards down that remind me that I love them.  This was no exception.  He knew how much this meant to me.  It was the sign I was waiting for that would prove to me I made the right decision moving back out here.  And, he was there to share in the excitement.  I wouldn't have it any other way.

I pray that I will have the experience to feel the wind through my hair and remember it's not about the big moments you expect, but rather the little things that you never notice that change your life.

Finally, It Clicked

I'm the kind of person who can't move past the negative events that have happened in my life.  I don't like to talk about my adolescence much.  It's full of negative emotions.  But, I've been reflecting on my high school years a lot recently.  I feel I can begin to share some of those aspects.  It's no secret I was on the road to become a professional ballerina.  It had been my dream since I was 3 years old.  I studied at The School of Washington Ballet for 4 years.  Some may feel I use it as a scapegoat, but really, it was hell.  When I stopped dancing cold turkey (because yes, it is an addiction in and of itself), I wasn't equipped with many social skills.  I had always believed that I needed everyone to like me.  This was my misery....

But it has FINALLY clicked!  I have begun learning to love [fill in the blank (i.e., life, myself, my family, learning, etc.].  And because of that, I realize that I don't need everyone's stamp of approval.  I am learning I need to be my own best friend.  Really, that's all anyone needs.  When the world is against you, who is going to stand up for you?  Who is going to have your back?  I have been my own bully.  I have not treated myself the way I treat others.  I have picked out the negative events and in turn I have dwelled on them for years on end.  

Now that I am learning to treat myself better, I realize I am worth more than I have ever given myself credit.  I deserve so much more than what I have settled for in the past.  

Well, a lot has happened in my life.  Namely, I got a puppy!  Yay!  He has settled into the home and hearts of my family.  He is a lot of work, but I wouldn't have it any other way.  

This is Riley at 10 1/2 weeks

I do realize I am a crazy dog lady.  I incessantly post videos and pictures of my dog on facebook.  And, I even entered the above photo in a cute pet contest.  This is embarrassing.  I'll move on.  

I'm still loving my work at the hospital.  It makes me realize that no matter if I am remembered in the future, my efforts can make a difference.  The children that most people would turn away from are the ones who change my perspective.  There is one lady who works the shift after me.  She only likes to help the babies in the pediatric unit.  I understand, but at the same time am frustrated because there is so much more work to be done than swaddling infants!  There are more people [and children] in the world than jovial and cute children.  Well, I'll get off my soapbox.

In other news, I went crazy a few weeks ago when I found out Clean Play DVDs was going out of business.  I bought nearly 20 edited R-rated movies.  Some include The Godfather, Amelie, Gladiator, 127 Hours, Slumdog Millionaire, Billy Elliot, and so many others.  What movies do you wish were clean[er]?  

Well, overall, I would say the past 3 weeks have been more positive than toxic.  That's always good.

The Awesomeness of Life

Being home as my mom's little puppy dog (not literally), I follow her around to run errands.  Other than Sephora, one of our favorite errands to run is to shop at Barnes & Noble.  After we had found the book we sought out to buy, my mom browsed her favorite section: the cook books.  I don't really fancy searching through books about food and even more food, so I looked through the self-help and psychology section.  I am a sucker for these kind of books.  Some may have a guilty pleasure of reading cheesy paperback romance novels or travel guides of countries they know they'll never go, but me, I choose self-help and psychology books.  Well, I found a book that put the biggest smile on my face:  The Book of Awesome.  It detailed aspects of life that we take for granted.  For example, waking up and realizing we still have more time to sleep.  Or, wearing clothes fresh out of the dryer.  Maybe the smell of a recent rainfall or perhaps falling asleep and waking up with a blanket that someone put on you.  I found his original website that became famous before he published the book.  I recommend taking a minute to look at it:

1000 Awesome Things

Well, here's an awesome thing:  I visited with a dear friend, Heidi, this weekend.  We took one of her dogs for a walk through the woods.  We came to a creek, climbed onto a rock in the middle and just sat and talked.  It was amazing.  I forgot how beautiful the sound of rushing water is.  I forgot how fast time can fly when you spend it with a good friend.  And, most of all, I forgot that being with people who understand you makes everything better.  

Passions

I was officially discharged from my treatment program on Thursday.  Since then I have been somewhat busy doing things that are meaningful.  On Friday, I began my volunteer position at Inova Fairfax Hospital in the Pediatrics Unit.  My shift is on Friday from 1-5 pm.  So, for the first 2 hours or so I was oriented to the rules and responsibilities of volunteers.  The next few hours were spent touring the units that are encompassed by the term "Pediatrics."  The PICU, the general Pediatric Unit, and the Oncology/Hematology Unit are all included as well as the Adolescent wing on the 4th floor in the main tower.  Whoa!  Let's hope that when I return on Friday I don't get lost trying to find my way around the gigantic hospital.  Literally, it's gigantic!  I am able to separate cases that I work with from my personal "baggage."  For example, when I was an intern with Shelter House, I was able to view the cases as just that, cases.  I didn't get emotionally involved, but knew there was work to be done and that by being caught up in the tragedies of the situations, nothing would get done.  I've found the same applies to my volunteer position at Fairfax Hospital.  I see infants, toddlers, children, and teens with apparatus of all shapes and sizes attached to them, and yet I don't begin to cry and feel overwhelmed emotionally.  Instead I see children who need, for their healing process and wellbeing, to smile.  I have found a passion:  Working with children in the hospital.  I think I want to become a social worker in the hospital.

I was told today by a dear friend and mentor that I need to begin to stop dallying in the past and accept my life today and where it's headed.  I must admit that I have been depressed looking at where I know my life SHOULD be and what it COULD be.  It is time to accept that things probably won't work out as assigned by the "gods of social acceptance."  I won't finish school in 4 years and at the same school I started.  I won't be married by the time I'm 22, as Mormons tend to insist on.  I won't be living on my own by the time I'm 21.  And the list could go on and on and on.  Shel Silverstein's poem comes to mind:

"Listen to the mustn'ts, child. Listen to the don'ts. Listen to the shouldn'ts, the impossibles, the won'ts. Listen to the never haves, then listen close to me... Anything can happen, child. Anything can be." 

Just because I'm not living my life as it SHOULD be or COULD be, doesn't mean I can't have a fulfilling life!  "Anything can be."

To catch up on something fun, last week Hanna, a dear friend from BYU, met me in Old Town Alexandria and we walked along the waterfront and down the brick-paved streets, occasionally stopping in a boutique here and an antique shop there.  Here's some pictures from the George Washington Masonic Memorial...

Don't you love the sun peaking through the clouds

 like "God Rays" as Hanna and I termed?

View of Old Town from the Masonic hill

Yay for Hanna and me!

Golly Goodness

It's been 3 months exactly since I last blogged.  And I must say a lot has happened.  Since I came home November 13th from BYU, I have been learning what life has to offer other than studying and taking tests.  I first began by embroidering.  I love to embroider and my mother and I are doing a project together to make a quilt.  I plan to embroider 15 patches and my mother will sew them and other patches together.  I must admit, I felt beyond my age when I would embroider on my mother's bed while watching trashy soap operas.  Well, then I got into watercolors.  Another excellent past time.  Mid-December, I traveled to Utah to clean out my apartment and attended my cousin's wedding.  It's heart wrenching to leave Utah in my past. Maybe that's why I haven't fully unpacked my belongings (mind you 6 boxes and 2 suitcases).  I tried very hard today to make headway in my unpacking ordeal, but had to stop as I began to become emotional while unpacking books and notes from BYU.  It's been difficult in Virginia.  I've left some of my closest friends behind.  I've put my degree on hold.  And, the circumstances surrounding my withdrawal have been difficult to deal with.  

Well, enough of a downer.  I am glad that I have made new friends who are so supportive and encouraging.  I am grateful my parents are willing to help me through this rough time.  I am astounded by the excellent resources there are to help those with my condition.  

For every post until I catch up on things, I am going to share pictures about recent events I've been able to enjoy while I've been home.  Another way to remind myself that good 'ol Virginia isn't that bad. :)

Last week I was able to attend the NEDA Awareness Walk in DC with some great friends.  Eating Disorder Awareness and Advocacy are a passion of mine.  Though the weather was a bit chilly, the companionship of 50+ walkers warmed my heart.  (I know, a little cheesy.)

Yay for good friends and supporters.  Love you!