Performance Clips

I'm not posting these to receive compliments or praise, but rather to fulfill my promise to several friends who requested I post clips from my performances.  The Nutcracker went well.  And the support and love I received was all worth it.  I love you.  Merry Christmas!

Nutcracker Pas de Deux

Cavalier

Sugar Plum

Coda

Sugar Plums

December is quickly slipping away and I have been spending every free moment rehearsing for performances.  Tomorrow is the culmination of some of the hardest work I've ever done.  Emotionally, and most certainly physically.  The Sugar Plum Fairy is a role I never thought I'd have.  But, my gracious dance instructor, Kalie Lasley trusted me with this role.  I hadn't been back in dance but for a few weeks when I was offered the role.  And the roller coaster began.  

I was far from being in dancer-shape.  My leg muscles had been lost and my stamina was gone since I stopped dancing 5 years ago.  Frustration was enveloping me.  But, after a month or so of rehearsals, I was honest and real.  I was working with an angel, Ms. Tish Cordova of the Virginia Ballet Company and a rock of inspiration, Mr. Mark Rubin.  Mr. Rubin sat me down and asked me my impressions of the work I've done.  I broke down.  My wall crumbled.  I admitted it is difficult to aspire to something that I let go of years ago.  I was ashamed and felt myself hitting a wall.  I will never forget Ms. Cordova's words.  She quoted the book, The Little Engine That Could.

"I think I can I think I can.  I know I can I know I can.  I can I can I can!"

Certainly the things we tell ourselves affect our outcomes.  I've seen this so immediately and directly.  If I say to myself, "I've got this!"  I usually make it through the hardest parts of the 5-6 minute Grand Pas de Deux.  Even when I feel my toes bruising and bleeding in my toe shoes, I make it through.  

Last night was my last rehearsal at Virginia Ballet before my performance tomorrow.  We all reflected on the journey.  I tried to thank them for all their comments and compliments, but they kept saying, "No, we're just telling the truth."

What a gift this experience has been!  I would never have overcome the physical and emotional barriers that were blocking a full corrective emotional experience.  I am stronger because of it.  In spite of my nerves, I am excited to show my parents and especially Ms. Kalie how far I've come.  After writing this post, I am crying.  Who knew I would return to ballet at all.  And, on top of that, who would have surmised that I would be dancing a role I had dreamt about as a little girl?  Surely dreams come full circle.

Oh to be Grateful

I've had a lot of neat experiences over the past little while that have helped me realize the importance of reaching out.  I've really been trying hard to recognize the promptings of the Spirit more in my life.  And of course, to quickly obey them.  The opportunity to listen to and respond to a prompting of the Spirit can come as quickly as the opening and closing of subway doors.  So it is in my life.  Many times I have put a prompting on the back burner, only to realize its divine inspiration when it is too late.  

I have been rehearsing for my upcoming performances during every spare moment that I have.  It is a given that my Saturdays are booked.  Without a question.  But, I had a chance to just sit and watch a dance that the beginning ballet students (little girls around ages 5-8) are learning. One of those little girls has a special place in my heart.  Back in September, when I first began learning choreography, she came early and watched me dance.  She stood behind me, several feet away at first, mimicking my every move.  Soon she was a few inches away, making it difficult for me to dance.  I didn't have the heart to tell her to move, and I'm sure glad I didn't.

During her rehearsal last week, my instructor confided in me that her mother could not afford the costume for this particular dance and would therefore only be able to perform if another student was unable.  A huge box was hiding in the corner of the room and all the little girls knew it held the costumes they had been so anxiously awaiting.  At the end of the rehearsal, the glittery purple tutus were handed out.  This little girl did not understand that she would not receive a costume.  The instructor and the little girl's mother had to pull her aside to explain this painful truth.  I felt that even though this little girl barely knows me, I needed to say something.  I had a nano second to react.  She had her galoshes and rain coat on, about to head to the car with her mother.  In that moment, I made a decision: I ran from my seat and yelled her name.  I put my arm around her shoulder and told her that she has improved so much.  I told her she doesn't need any glitter to make her look more beautiful.  As she walked ahead, her mother leaned back and mouthed the words, "Thank you."  Knowing that I did something that was inspired is enough.  I don't need a huge hug and for things to suddenly be alright.  Because it was inspired, it was required.  That is enough.

Last week as I was volunteering at the hospital, I was about to leave a unit, thinking that the nurses on the unit never need any help.  I've asked every time and they always give me a curt "no" in response to my inquiring if they have any need for assistance and they send me on my way.  At once, I felt a prompting to ask.  Of the half dozen nurses on that unit, one told me to check a certain room, that maybe the mother was not back from a health education class yet.  I peered inside to find a 10 or 11 year old boy watching TV.  Before I could finish introducing myself, he began to nod his head enthusiastically.  I then asked, "Do you want to play a game?"  He continued to nod his head ferociously followed by an eager, "Yes!"  I pulled a few games out and eventually he creamed me at Battleship.  

Most of the work we perform in this life will leave us wondering, "Did I make a difference?" or "Whatever happened to her?"  But, we should not begin work thinking and expecting that we must know the outcome.  Life isn't perfect and will not always have a happy ending.  But, it is our responsibility to listen to divine promptings.  God has a plan.  We certainly act as angels in bringing it forth for each person.  

During this Thanksgiving week, I am grateful for those who have obeyed the promptings of the Spirit to assist Heavenly Father in guiding me and opening my eyes.  Thank you.

Come and Gone

October has come and gone.  I'm not exactly sure where it went.  Sheesh.  The beginning of November means the Holidays are fast approaching.  And if the Holidays are near, so is the end of my first semester at GMU.  And if the semester ends, then it means I've accomplished more this year than the last.  And if you give a mouse a cookie....Just kidding.  Kind of.  It just sounds like I'm reading, If You Give Mackenzie the Beginning of a New Month.  :)

I've been very apprehensive of feeling confident in my successes.  Up until mid-October last year, I felt confident.  Then I ended up in the hospital and withdrawing from BYU.  

This year around, I've been very cautious of what I choose to do with my time and the judgments I put on myself.  But, It doesn't help that I can feel Satan trying his hardest right now to make me feel inadequate, unworthy, and unloveable at such a sensitive time in my life.  He's trying to amplify my insecurities and assure himself of my demise.  It's interesting how he likes to do that, eh?

Nobody can have a smile on their face and a sense of self-assurance during tough times.  That's just not right.  But, I'm working.  I'm fighting.  No worries.  

I'm reminded of the clients I worked with over the summer.  I was grateful to catch a glance of one of them crossing an intersection at which I was stopped.  My mind and heart were reminded of the amazing individuals I was blessed to work with.  This specific client would ask my supervisor and me why bad things have to happen to good people.  It's an age-old question that stumps many.  mormon.org has a section on what we believe is the purpose of life.  (http://mormon.org/faq/#Purpose+of+Life)  I want to echo that Heavenly Father wants us to experience a fulness of joy.  But how can we taste the sweet without the bitter, as the cliche goes.  We have to learn and gain experience to be able to help ourselves, and those we associate with, receive that joy.  As an aspiring social worker, I have been told several times that you cannot take clients farther than you've gone in life.  I feel the same applies to friends, family, and loved ones.  Though we might not be able to see it in the midst of things, if we but have faith and focus our sights on the Lord, we can know that the Lord is guiding and directing us.  Thank goodness hindsight is 20/20!  Looking back and seeing this in action is part of the reason why I know what I just wrote is true.

Doubt Not, Fear Not

Reminders

Life gets busy.  And crappy.  Fast.  Thank goodness for homework assignments that make you look outside your temporal perspective and appreciate the eternal perspective.  I may not go to BYU anymore, but I can still see God's hand in the little things, like seemingly mundane photo assignments.

I have yet to finish editing these pictures, but I did indeed take these at sunset on Saturday.  

Fall is beautiful, especially in Virginia, and I thank my Heavenly Father for such a beautiful reminder of His love for us, His children.


Goal for this week:  Do more than just survive.


A year ago, I was barely surviving.  10 days later, I wasn't at all.  I just need to get past the next month.  I know it's going to be a huge stumbling block, but I need to move past this time in my history and prove to myself that I AM more than my past.