We Uplift

As I look back over the past week, I see a community.  Not the kind with HOA rules and regulations.  Nor the kind where you have to pay your dues. I see a community where people use their proverbial assets to uplift and strengthen each other without any expectations.  Let me explain...

My thoughts on the subject stem from a selfless act of service.  It was a drizzly, no good day.  A small group of friends and I were in the car, on the way to see the Avengers. Mind you, I had two grown men in the back of my car.  They were grinning from ear to ear because a dear friend of mine and I had agreed to first, let them come along, and second, change our movie pick from a chick flick to the Avengers.  Once we were on our way, one of the guys in the backseat got a phone call.  It was from a friend who unexpectedly found herself in the emergency room.  Without a moment's hesitation, he gave up his only night off work early to drive almost a half hour away plus the additional time in rush-hour traffic to offer a Priesthood blessing.  Priesthood holders who are willing and worthy to serve are a blessing in the lives of so many.  I admire their humility, charity, and selflessness.  In the end, he spent the night with his friend in the ER.  He "slept" in a suit and tie and woke up early to drive another half hour to work without any complaint.  In fact, I'm pretty sure I'm one of the only people who knows about his sacrifice.

The next day was horrible for me.  Old wounds were opened, bad news delivered, and an overwhelming sense of hopelessness and inadequacy set in.  Looking for support is new for me, and I must admit I am very awkward when I seek help.  I called my best friend, whom I know will be in my life forever, through thick and thin.  She mourned with me, she tried her best to bear my burdens, and comforted me in ways that only a best friend knows how.  She truly uplifted me.  "Mackenzie, don't be afraid to make life better for yourself."  That sentence has pushed me through a continuing difficult week.  She spent over an hour on the phone with me and finally got me to laugh.  I am grateful for good friends who pick up and listen to your woes and then are able to get you to smile when you really don't want to.

Sunday rolled around and I once again gave a lesson to a room full of people.  The lesson went well, but I still was shaking and sweating a little after church ended.  As I drove home, I realized the immense amount of pollen on my windshield.  As I went to turn on the windshield wiper fluid, I saw a small card tucked away in my wipers.  The moment I arrived at home, I opened it.  It was an anonymous letter of appreciation and love.  Though I will probably never know who it is from, I know it was guided by a prompting of the Spirit.  Another moment of uplift and strength.  The beneficiary had no idea how awful my week was and how worthless I felt.  However, she knew just what to write and when I needed it.  Thank you to whoever that special person is.  

Amidst the trials and turmoils in this world, there are people who uplift and elevate us to levels that we could not reach on our own.  I love the goodness of God manifest in people.  They are truly angels on earth.  

Reflexes

I was blessed with the opportunity to volunteer during my assigned shift at Inova Fairfax Hospital for Children on Saturday.  I was pulled into a patient's room to feed a 2 week old infant a bottle.  This may seem normal considering I do volunteer every week, many times holding infants.  However, this was an incredible experience.  This baby had been fed through an NG tube all 14 days of his life.  I was to be the first to feed him a bottle.  The moment the nipple touched his lips, he knew exactly what to do.  Mind you, a baby's first sucking for food is usually is not successful.  The nurse told me if the baby could not finish his bottle in 15 minutes, the rest would have to go through the NG tube.  Within 10 minutes, he had sucked the whole bottle down.  During this tender moment I smiled, looked at the nurse and said, "It's amazing the reflexes and instincts babies are born with."  

That experience, as is oft the case, has been on my mind this week.  As a result, I've thought about the reflexes and instincts that I have carried with me since birth.  Not necessarily the tangible survival instincts, but the unseen ones.  My natural instinct when something goes wrong is to crawl into a fetal position and sleep--sleep until I can wake up with a clean slate of a mind.  Sometimes, rather, my reflex is to fake it.  Put on a smile and be there for the people that need me.  These are just as crucial to my physical survival.  Without them, I would feel overwhelmed.  I am an introvert.  I am insecure.  I doubt myself and my abilities.  Because of these things, my instincts and reflexes act to protect me.  While there are better ones out there, these innate responses have served me for the past 21+ years.  I look back at the dark abysses they have pulled me from, I realize they no longer serve the same purpose they once did.  I have progressed beyond the point of crawling under covers every time I feel inadequate.  I am learning, slowly but surely, that I can seek a helping hand.  I can turn to beloved friends and family for help, support and love.  I do not have to carry my burdens on my own.  

This past week I was explaining a recent and monumental event (that I should be elated about) in my family's life to a dear friend.  I then began to relay difficult emotions surrounding the event to her.  She stopped me and emphatically said, "Mackenzie!  I don't know how you do it.  'Event X' has a occurred right at the most inopportune time.  You must be an emotional wreck." Tears began to fill my eyes.  She had nailed it right on the head.  No longer was there the need to hide it anymore.  

There is no time limit to pain.  I can cry and not feel ridiculous.  I can seek help and support and not allow the expectation of "you should be over this by now" overwhelm me.  I can still take time to hurt.  I look back a few years, even just a few months, and realize that my instinct would have been to shut my mouth and hide in my bed.  But oh how much better it feels to reach out and receive help in return!

Instincts come and go.  Try rubbing your finger against an adult's cheek.  He or she won't root, seeking for food.  Rooting doesn't stay with us for life.  Perhaps the personal, intangible instincts I've been carrying with me since birth have reached their allotted time.  Progression needs to occur.  I can grow and develop, one catastrophe at a time. 

The Busiest Days

The busiest days tend to be the days where I have a million things on my mind and there's no way I can get anything done unless I take care of those things which are on my mind.  Case in point: I have a  midterm exam worth 25% of my International Politics grade tomorrow as well as a paper that is worth 20% of my English grade due tomorrow.  And yet, I have so much on my mind I can't focus on studying.  

To sum everything up in one foul swoop, I'm posting this amazing video.  It is a presentation I attended by Stephanie Nielson over a year and a half ago.  She is such an amazing woman.  The topic which she addresses envelops so many of my thoughts and emotions today.  If we could all see, and believe, what we are meant to be and what our Heavenly Father sees in us, I think so much of our inner turmoil would be solved.


Her speech in this video is unique in that she is addressing a mostly Latter-day Saint audience and is able to discuss those sacred doctrines and principles of the Gospel that are universal and at the same time so personal to each of us.  It is a little long, but totally worth it!  If you don't have much time to watch, at least listen to the last 10-ish minutes if possible.  Ms. Nielson is such an example and inspiration to me of what true beauty means.

Stephanie Nielson: Finding and Loving Your Beauty

Thank You for Teaching Me Beautiful Things

I made it a little more than obvious that I am emotionally struggling in my last blog post.  Just a day later, I was trying ever so hard to be happy.  It was exhausting.  I was co-teaching a dozen or so little beginning ballet students and they somehow knew how to make me feel inadequate at what I was doing.  Then, with just 10 minutes left in the class, a little dancer who is struggling in learning ballet came up and gave me a huge hug around my hips, smiled up at me and said, "Thank you for teaching me beautiful things, Miss Mackenzie!"

As the week continued, I kept thinking of that sweet little face and sincere, unprompted comment.  Even amidst the high level of emotional dysfunction I experienced this week, I couldn't let this image go.  Today I spent 3 hours at Inova Fairfax Hospital for Children.  As I walked out to my car in the warm 70 degree sunlight, I was beaming.  A long, hard 2 weeks had ended with a perfect close.  I hadn't even noticed it until it was almost too late.  I opened my car door and, instead of collapsing on the steering wheel, I held my head high and my shoulders back.  My mind turned to heaven.  I thanked my Heavenly Father for His goodness and mercy.  I thanked Him most of all for teaching me beautiful things.  

Through the heartache and depression and doubts, I have grown closer to my mother.  I have leaned on friends--friends that I know will always be there throughout my life.  I have learned how to get my needs met, specifically how to ask for support and love and help.  I have seen that thoughts are thoughts; actions are actions.  They are not one in the same.  

The late Prophet of my church, the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints, Gordon B. Hinckley said, "The best antidote I know for worry is work. The best cure for weariness is the challenge of helping someone who is even more tired. One of the great ironies of life is this: He or she who serves almost always benefits more than he or she who is served."

I am grateful for the speed at which information can be shared in this day and age.  I saw this video pop up on facebook from one of my friends.  I love it.  It is perfect.

Considering the frequency at which individual discouragement comes, it can be easy to forget all that is beautiful and good.  We cannot let this happen.  Focus on the light, no matter how small, focus on the light.   Focusing on eliminating the darkness will only give power to it.  Work on increasing the light.  Losing yourself in service to another is one way to do so, until eventually there is enough light to provide life and hope.  Trust me.  I've lived through this time and time again.  Light will always outgrow the darkness if you cultivate and nurture it.  

Take Time to Hurt

My heart is hurting.  A hurt that I know everyone goes through.  And yet it feels so personal and goes so deep that I can't seem to think anyone knows what I'm feeling.  The details will be spared.  I want to focus on realizing we can all take time to hurt.  There is no way anyone can fully heal if they don't take time to acknowledge the pain and allow themselves time to grieve.  Healing will come.  I may not believe it right now, but I know it is true.  I know the Atonement of Jesus Christ covers every heartache.  I know the Atonement will help me through this seemingly insurmountable trial in my life.

Over the past week I have been so emotional it has truly inhibited by ability to notice the beauty that surrounds all of us.  I was sitting in Church this past Sunday, tissues in hand to make sure no one could tell my makeup was slowly being washed away.  I felt a little finger tap my shoulder.  I ignored it.  I felt two little fingers tap my shoulder.  Again, I ignored it.  Finally after a third and fourth attempt, I turned around.  A handsome young boy had been so desperately trying to get my attention.  I smiled as big as I could and let out a big "Hi!"  As I turned my attention back to the speaker, I heard his sweet voice say, "Mom!  She said hi!"  His mother replied, "See?  It isn't so hard, is it?"

While my argument that we need to take time to hurt still stands, we should not and cannot allow our hurt to stop us from realizing there is good in the world.  It is so easy to become jaded during moments of hurt.  I am guilty of this.  Had I allowed my hurt to fully envelop me that day, I would have certainly affected someone.  Just not in the way anyone would hope.  That little boy's social experiment would have failed.  Just as happiness is contagious, so is sadness.

There have been a few moments over the past week that I cannot afford to forget or label as "coincidences."  They are proof that a loving Heavenly Father has not left me alone.  These little "God winks" are there for us to realize He is still there.  Maybe not in the way we would hope.  But, He is still there.  There is beauty in knowing this.  While knowing this isn't a cure-all antidote for the hurt I am feeling, it does give me hope.  An enduring hope that beauty does not disappear even in times of trial.  We just have to have the eyes to see it and the hearts to hold it.