While Dreams of Sugar Plums Danced in Their Heads...

Every year I perform the Nutcracker, I have a very different experience.  No two Nutcrackers are the same.  

I was fifteen and I distinctly remember being told by the ballet mistress at the Washington School of Ballet, in front of my entire class, that I was a horrible dancer who should have never been cast in the Nutcracker.  In retrospect, I know this was all a lie--a form of verbal and emotional abuse.  The Artistic Director of the Washington Ballet liked me and before the founder of the Washington Ballet died, she told my parents that I had great potential, I just needed to eat more.  Even this ballet mistress had loved me at one point.  But every time I came close to excelling, she would pull the rug out from under me.  That was my last Nutcracker before I reached my breaking point and quit dance.

Fast forward nearly 6 years.  I reconnected with the ballet teacher I had when I was 6 years old because I knew she was one of the only teachers I had who cared about her students as people, and nurtured them with love and compassion.  I knew that if I was going to face this monster named "dance," I would have to do it with someone I trusted.  Within a month, I was recruited by this teacher to perform the Sugar Plum Fairy in a shortened version of the Nutcracker.  I overcame great emotional struggles to perform the role that year.  I cried, I panicked.  The voices of ballet past came back.  But, I did it.  I have many mentors to thank for that.  One in particular has been my rock over the past few years, encouraging me every step of the way.  I went on to perform in front of loving friends and family.  I was on cloud 9.  

The following year, I performed the same role again.  The only difference was there was no partner to dance the Grand Pas de Deux with me.  I was much more relaxed, and enjoyed the time I spent with the little dancers.  I was touched to see so many parents, volunteers, and teachers come together and sacrifice for these dancers to put on a production to remember.  This was the first full length Nutcracker the studio would perform and it turned out to be a great success.  

This year, I performed two solo roles: the Snow Queen and the Sugar Plum Fairy.  This time I had a partner.  Interestingly enough, we had danced at the same studio when I was growing up.  Funny how things come full circle in this small world.  He was a great support and personal cheerleader.  I am so grateful we had the opportunity to dance together.  I rehearsed and dedicated much of my time to the production, hoping that my racing thoughts would come to halt.  This was the case.  I have a loving second family who took care of me at my lows.  My co-workers took me under their wings and nurtured me and helped me realize that I can do hard things.  Dance is therapeutic for me.  In the moments when I dance, my whole mind, body, and spirit are focused on that one thing.  There is no room for worries, fears, or negative thoughts to flood in.  And, when I'm on stage, it's just my partner and me.  Occasionally I would take a peek into the curtains and see my mentors and rocks watching lovingly as I danced.  Those images are ones that I will hold dear to my heart forever.  I wish I could thank thank to the degree to which I am grateful.  But for now, that is impossible.  I am truly indebted to them.  

I felt like a celebrity in Fauquier County this year.  I was featured in the Fauquier Times-Democrat, Warrenton Lifestyle, and had my picture plastered all over the town.  At the end of our last performance, I was bombarded with little girls wanting to take their picture with me and to have my autograph, telling me I was their favorite part of the Nutcracker.  How could a timid, beaten down girl turn into a blessed, passionate hero of little girls?  It's taken a lot--both from within and from outside support.  I wouldn't trade these experiences for anything.  Not even a chance to dance with a top-notch company, for dreams are actualized in the humblest of circumstances.  

Did We Know?

The holiday season is a blessing and a curse.  It is a celebration of all that is good in this world: family, gratitude, friends, and most importantly, our Savior Jesus Christ.  However, it is stressful and the meaning of the season is often overshadowed or forgotten.  My last Christmas was everything a young 20-something would want: a simple final exam schedule, a serious boyfriend, a mostly-stress-free Nutcracker, loving family, supportive friends, a great church environment; the list could go on for days.  This year I'm living deadline to deadline, which means I have a lot piled up on me as far as school is concerned.  I'm performing 2 huge roles in the Nutcracker, with rehearsals out of the wazoo (not to mention being stuck in traffic for 2+ hours to get to Warrenton most days).  The Nutcracker also falls on the night of my church's Christmas party, meaning I won't have the large turnout of supportive friends that I had hoped.  I'm attempting to catch up on my 225 hours that are due next week for my internship.  I feel I haven't been able to give each responsibility and duty in my life the full attention it needs.  Then pile on the ensuing guilt, frustration, self-loathing, and sadness.  Oh, and don't remind me that I'm single.  Needless to say, I have been a "hot mess" this past month.  

Amidst all this, I have been reflecting on God's greater plan for each of us.  We are told in Job, 38:4-7: "Where wast thou when I laid the foundations of the earth? declare, if thou hast understanding.  Who hath laid the measures thereof, if thou knowest? or who hath stretched the line upon it?  Whereupon are the foundations thereof fastened? or who laid the corner stone thereof;  When the morning stars sang together, and all the sons of God shouted for joy?"  We, as spirit children of a King, shouted for joy when we knew we were to come to earth to receive a body and experience mortality.  I then wondered, did we know how hard life would be?  I can't imagine knowing that I would be challenged with such deep depression and self-hatred that I would want to end that life which God gave to me that I would want to endure it.  How could we have known?  How could I have jumped for joy knowing that I would experience so much heartache? 

I was then reminded that in Matthew 26:39, we read that Christ "went a little further, and fell on his face, and prayed, saying, O my Father, if it be possible, let this cup pass from me: nevertheless not as I will, but as thou wilt."  Christ prepared as much as He possibly could for His mortal and eternal mission.  Yet, even He did not understand how painful and unbearable the burdens placed on him would be when in the Garden of Gethsemane.  Ultimately, the Father had to withdraw His presence and Christ felt utterly alone.  

As I think of Christ's birth those thousands of years ago in Bethlehem, I am brought to my knees in awesome wonder and gratitude for that miracle.  Without the Savior's birth, we would never be able to experience and utilize the power of the Atonement in our lives.  There would be no way for us to return to live with our God, who gave us life.  And in turn, we can know that WE are never alone.  Because Christ walked the same paths that we must endure, we are NEVER alone.  

I wish you a joyful Christmas--one full of remembrance and gratitude.  Christ is the source of our joy and gratitude.  Remember Him.  

It's More Than Casseroles and Conferences

I have lots of things I could blog about.  But, as I was driving my mother and myself to dinner tonight, she told me that my thoughts on "Conferences and Casseroles" would make a good blog title.  

Most of you know that I am a proud member of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints.  As a woman of this church, I am also a member of the largest women's organization in the world: the Relief Society.  Established by the Prophet Joseph Smith in March 1842, the organization still stands strong today.  When instituted, Joseph Smith stated that this organization was meant "for the exercise of all benevolent purposes."  

Having grown up in the Church, I distinctly remember Daddy coming home early once a week to relieve my mother of her "motherly duties" so she could attend a weekly gathering of the sisters in the Relief Society.  Sometimes my father would even take my sister and me to get root beer floats at Friendly's, and that made being without Mom alright for a short while.  She would usually come home with some handicraft or new recipe to try out on us.  

If someone had asked me the first word that came to mind when they said "Relief Society" a few years back, I would have immediately blurted out the association, "casseroles."  To many young women in the Church, Relief Society is an old ladies' club that delivers casseroles to widows and new moms.  But oh how wrong they are!  It's far more than the casseroles and women's conferences!  And yet, it took me four years of being in the Relief Society to finally catch the vision.  

I look at my life, especially the past 5 years, and sometimes have feelings of dismay and despair because all my friends are now married and most of them are beginning families.  I've always wanted to be married.  I thought I was ready when I was 19!  I grew up like many little girls playing with Barbies, but my Barbies always ended up marrying Ken in my pretend LDS temple.  I have always wanted to be a wife and mother.  My heart aches (and somedays even breaks) with each passing day that puts me at, what feels like, a farther distance from being sealed in the Temple to a worthy Priesthood holder.  I will now be older than all my female family members when they got married (my mom, sister, aunts, grandmothers, and cousins).  

BUT...

I do have one advantage over all of them:  I am able to focus on becoming me.  Just me.  Not a wife nor a mother (though those are my heart's strongest desires).  It is distressing at times, but I know that I have come so much farther than I could have if I was in a family ward.  Being in the young single adults' ward has allowed me to realize the full purpose of Relief Society: to become a true disciple of Jesus Christ.  It's not about the age-old traditions of baking bread and delivering casseroles.  It's not even about book clubs or conferences.  It's about learning to love who we are, growing as daughters of God.  

The Church's website states, "In the first meeting of the Relief Society, Sister Emma Smith [the first Relief Society president] said, 'We are going to do something extraordinary.' Relief Society is filled with examples of ordinary women who have accomplished extraordinary things as they exercise faith in Heavenly Father and Jesus Christ."  I know this.  I have come into contact with women who have so many insecurities and heart aches, but the world would never know what they are struggling with, as they are inspiring and productive leaders and examples.  I love every sister with whom I have come in contact and they have shown me the way to become a better disciple of Jesus Christ.  They have taught me true charity.  They have taught me how to love and be loved.  They have shown me how to live a virtuous and exemplary life.

We are often told as daughters of a King to "live up to our privilege."  I have often struggled with listening to the demons in my head and "settling" for something less than what I deserve.  Please, do not do this!  A loving Heavenly Father wants us to be happy, so much so that He sent His Son to suffer every imperfect thing we must suffer through, feel, and experience.  The concept of living up to our potential is simple, but it is never easy.  We are cast to and fro in today's corrupt world, even among those who we think are friends and our allies (or in my case someone who I thought would be my future spouse), being told we are not good enough, worthy of love, or beautiful.  This is not true.  We truly do have a divine potential to live up to.  Never give up.  Believe that there is something greater waiting for you, know that your time will come.  

The Blessings of Revelation, Part 2

I could write a whole post on all the wonderful packets of spiritual inspiration I received from the talks of the afternoon session of General Conference today.  However, I feel the need to focus on just one talk:  Elder Holland's inspired counsel.  

Mental health and mental illness are topics that are not discussed openly in the Church.  In fact, there are many in the Church who are misinformed and lacking in education regarding these topics.  In addition, as far as I know, there has never been a talk given in General Conference about mental illness.  As many of you know, I was diagnosed with anorexia at age 12 and major depressive disorder (MDD as Elder Holland referred to it) shortly thereafter.  I was silent for decades about my struggles, but remembered that when in the midst of all of it, what I wanted most was someone who had been through it to give me hope.  Elder Holland provided the world today with that hope.  Though he did mention that he struggled with a bout of depression, that was not the ultimate source of hope he offered.  The hope he referred to comes from our Savior Jesus Christ who suffered everything so that we can have the ability to rise above everything.  Elder Holland expressly stated that there is much to cherish and look forward to in this life.  Life is precious and we should look forward to the day when we will be made whole and perfect.  He said, "Believe in miracles."  

My life is a miracle.  

I have endured many trials surrounding my depression and eating disorder, some surrounding those who simply do not understand the challenges, and blessings (for there are many blessings) that come with mental health problems.  However, I testify to you that the one thing that got me through those dark and hopeless decades, was looking to the ceramic model of the Salt Lake Temple I had in my room every morning as I awoke.  The Book of Mormon tells us to, "Look to God and live."  Certainly I looked to the House of the Lord, and literally lived.  I look forward to the day when I can enter His Holy House and reap the blessings of living with my "eye single to the glory of God."

Fellow bloggers, friends, family: this talk was an answer to my fervent prayers.  It was my personal epistle.  I never knew that my prayers could be answered so directly in General Conference. 

To those who doubt that life with depression or any other mental illness can be enjoyable or worth living, take this counsel given by Jeffrey R. Holland:

"Above all, never lose faith in your Father in Heaven, who loves you more than you can comprehend."

Life is worth living, even if just for the beautiful tulips that peek through the harsh winter snow, or for the crisp leaves that begin to change one-by-one rather than all at once.  Maybe joy comes from the cool sea breeze coming from the ocean, or the beautiful sunsets that come on late summer days.  I know that God's creations were created to bring us happiness and hope.  They were made just for us.  

Elder Holland went on to say not to place judgment on those struggling, rather to show them kindness, love, and hope.  I would add that we who suffer need to do those things for ourselves as well.  Have faith and take heart that you are not alone.  You are loved.

Take care, my loved ones.  And, never doubt the power of prayers, both uttered and in our hearts.  Heavenly Father knows us.  He loves us.  He blesses us.  He yearns for our happiness.

May God bless you in all your righteous endeavors.

The Blessings of Revelation, Part 1

I don't think I have ever been as excited as I am today to watch the General Conference of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints.  There are times in our lives when we are forced to our knees in desperation.  I certainly have experienced those times.  However, I recognize how blessed I am to kneel before our Father, through my own desire, to talk to Him at any moment.  One of the greatest blessings of the Restored Gospel in these Latter days is that of revelation, both personal and church wide.

Elder Jeffrey R. Holland, an apostle of Christ's church, stated the following:

"If we [the General Authorities of the Church] teach by the Spirit and you listen by the Spirit, some one of us will touch on your circumstance, sending a personal prophetic epistle just to you."

I love the idea of receiving an epistle from the Lord, through the mouth of His servants.  Can you imagine sitting at the feet of the Savior, or maybe Paul or Peter, or even Isaiah or Abraham, to hear the messages they offered?  The words pronounced by our living prophets and apostles today are just the same.  The authority that was on the earth during the times of the Bible has been restored!

I have knelt in prayer so that I can receive instruction, guidance, and answers to some of my biggest obstacles, challenges, and questions at this point in my life during this Conference.  I made sure to clear my schedule in order to watch both days' sessions.  This morning I debated whether or not I should attend a required rehearsal for the Nutcracker performance to which I am committed.  I decided to drive home after teaching my pre-ballet class instead.  I made it home just in time to hear Elder Robert D. Hales' talk on the importance of preparing for, listening to, and, afterwards studying, the talks and testimonies given during General Conference.  What a personalized confirmation that I made the right decision!  

I later heard Elder Dube speak to my heart when he said, "Faith always looks forward." I cannot move forward if I keep looking back, or if I stall my progression.  Faith looks forward, never back.

Sister Stephens asked with authority, if we know our impact and divine nature as daughters, sons, mothers, fathers, wives, husbands, aunts, uncles, sisters, brothers, and friends?  We must live worthy of those callings and responsibilities we are given as spiritual children of our Heavenly Father.  

President Uchtodrf counseled us to, "Doubt our doubts before doubting our faith."  Hold on to what has been revealed to us in days past.

I look forward to listening to the coming 6 hours of Conference.  Will you join me?  Look for byutv on your channel guide, or stream it on lds.org.

It is quite easy to day dream (or dose off) during 8+ hours of talks.  What do you do to stay focused?  Over the past 4 years, only during Conference, I've slowly worked on embroidering patches for a quilt:

I'm still working on the bottom two, and I have 10 more to go!  Hopefully I make more progress this Conference!

Best wishes,
Your Conference Buddy

To Be Continued....