Tender Mercies

"Dance is a song of the body. Either of joy or pain."

--Martha Graham--

Last week I was speaking with a friend about the experience I've had with dance this time around. I began by expressing the astounding positivity and love I am experiencing through dance since beginning again. Never in my wildest dreams could I imagine such a stark difference between what I had known and what I now know. I then explained that I forgot how beautiful the body could be. Dance, to me, is such a lovely expression of what I feel and, at times, what I want to feel. I find the quote above the perfect description of the language dance is. The lines, the dynamics, and the extensions of the physical body, extend from the soul.

Dance has become such a cathartic release. It has reminded me that there is more than one way to express and cope with feelings.

I’ve had a hard past few weeks. When I took class last Friday, I had a lot on my mind that began to manifest itself in how I felt about my dancing abilities. When class ended, I slipped a customary curtsy to the teacher and began to head off. He called me back and said, “Mackenzie, you are a gorgeous dancer. Don’t forget that. I only call it as I see it. You are a gorgeous dancer.” I thanked him and ran off. Coming from a former dancer for the Joffrey Ballet, I know this statement was truly genuine. As I drove home that night, my eyes began to water. A loving Heavenly Father knows my every concern and every fear. He acknowledges each tear that hits my pillow at night. He loves me.

Elder Jeffery R. Holland spoke these words in the October 2008 General Conference:

My beloved brothers and sisters, I testify of angels, both the heavenly and the mortal kind. In doing so I am testifying that God never leaves us alone, never leaves us unaided in the challenges that we face. “[N]or will he, so long as time shall last, or the earth shall stand, or there shall be one man [or woman or child] upon the face thereof to be saved.” On occasions, global or personal, we may feel we are distanced from God, shut out from heaven, lost, alone in dark and dreary places. Often enough that distress can be of our own making, but even then the Father of us all is watching and assisting. And always there are those angels who come and go all around us, seen and unseen, known and unknown, mortal and immortal.

Angels [are] dispatched to bless us in time of need. But when we speak of those who are instruments in the hand of God, we are reminded that not all angels are from the other side of the veil. Some of them we walk with and talk with—here, now, every day. Some of them reside in our own neighborhoods. Some of them gave birth to us, and in my case, one of them consented to marry me. Indeed heaven never seems closer than when we see the love of God manifested in the kindness and devotion of people so good and so pure that angelic is the only word that comes to mind.

I am so grateful for the beautiful opportunity that we have to bless the lives of others. Certainly those I live and associate with every day have blessed me.

I am looking forward to my upcoming Christmas performances. It would mean the world to me to see faces in the crowd that I recognize. :)

--
MAG performances:
Saturday, December 10th 4:00 and 6:00 pm
Sunday, December 11th 9:00 and 11:00 am

Nutcracker Act II performance:

Saturday, December 17th 6:30 pm
--

A Culmination of Five Years

My last ballet class was the day before winter break 2006.  The next day I was in the hospital.  I had spent 13 years striving to fulfill my dream, to become something that I desperately wanted.  Until that 2 week stint in the hospital, ballet was everything.  The grueling schedule, the sore muscles, the infected and bleeding toes, the harsh criticism, and the bald spots from pulling my hair back too tightly were all what was required to become the prima ballerina I wanted to be.  But, having what you love the most bring you to the hospital for a lengthy amount of time is certainly cause for reevaluation.  

I was dancing at the Washington School of Ballet under world-renowned ballet masters and mistresses.  Many of my classmates are now professional ballet dancers with companies such as the Boston Ballet, Ballet West, and the New York City Ballet, just to name a few.  Believe me when I say I play the "What-if" game all too frequently in my mind.


As for me, I've spent 5 years living in fear of this monster.  I never wanted to come close to the idea of dance ever again.  The flashbacks were triggering and became too much to handle.  I asked those around me not to speak of ballet.  I changed the TV channel when "So You Think You Can Dance" came on.  I changed the radio station when the score to Swan Lake played.  I threw away my tights and leotards as well as many of the pairs of shoes in my pointe shoe collection.  


Recently, I came to the decision that I cannot live my life in fear, a paralyzing, debilitating fear of something that once was my life.  I still hold firm that the dance world is a cruel place.  It is not what little girls dream of.  It's pure hell.  But, there are a select few teachers who realize that dance can be a positive experience if the realization occurs that it doesn't matter if the students become professional or not.  It's the impact the teacher has on their lives.  


About a year ago, I began to consider taking classes again.  Last summer I was twirling in the kitchen.  Then I would stretch a little.  Eventually I was doing real ballet moves again, feeling around in the dark to see if my body still experienced the same euphoria it once had. 


Over the past few months, I began to search for one of the only ballet teachers who was a positive influence.  I finally found her name on facebook of all places.  After a few weeks, I called her.  Let me have you note that I hate talking on the phone.  It freaks the heck out of me.  I like seeing who I am talking to so I can measure their body language and facial expressions.  Long story short, it was a positive experience.  She invited me to take classes at her personal studio and if I want, I can teach dance at her studio to young dancers.  


My hope is that this experience will be one of healing and making peace with my body.  I want to correct emotions that have been eating at me for years.  I want to feel whole again.