The busiest days tend to be the days where I have a million things on my mind and there's no way I can get anything done unless I take care of those things which are on my mind. Case in point: I have a midterm exam worth 25% of my International Politics grade tomorrow as well as a paper that is worth 20% of my English grade due tomorrow. And yet, I have so much on my mind I can't focus on studying.
To sum everything up in one foul swoop, I'm posting this amazing video. It is a presentation I attended by Stephanie Nielson over a year and a half ago. She is such an amazing woman. The topic which she addresses envelops so many of my thoughts and emotions today. If we could all see, and believe, what we are meant to be and what our Heavenly Father sees in us, I think so much of our inner turmoil would be solved.
Her speech in this video is unique in that she is addressing a mostly Latter-day Saint audience and is able to discuss those sacred doctrines and principles of the Gospel that are universal and at the same time so personal to each of us. It is a little long, but totally worth it! If you don't have much time to watch, at least listen to the last 10-ish minutes if possible. Ms. Nielson is such an example and inspiration to me of what true beauty means.
I made it a little more than obvious that I am emotionally struggling in my last blog post. Just a day later, I was trying ever so hard to be happy. It was exhausting. I was co-teaching a dozen or so little beginning ballet students and they somehow knew how to make me feel inadequate at what I was doing. Then, with just 10 minutes left in the class, a little dancer who is struggling in learning ballet came up and gave me a huge hug around my hips, smiled up at me and said, "Thank you for teaching me beautiful things, Miss Mackenzie!"
As the week continued, I kept thinking of that sweet little face and sincere, unprompted comment. Even amidst the high level of emotional dysfunction I experienced this week, I couldn't let this image go. Today I spent 3 hours at Inova Fairfax Hospital for Children. As I walked out to my car in the warm 70 degree sunlight, I was beaming. A long, hard 2 weeks had ended with a perfect close. I hadn't even noticed it until it was almost too late. I opened my car door and, instead of collapsing on the steering wheel, I held my head high and my shoulders back. My mind turned to heaven. I thanked my Heavenly Father for His goodness and mercy. I thanked Him most of all for teaching me beautiful things.
Through the heartache and depression and doubts, I have grown closer to my mother. I have leaned on friends--friends that I know will always be there throughout my life. I have learned how to get my needs met, specifically how to ask for support and love and help. I have seen that thoughts are thoughts; actions are actions. They are not one in the same.
The late Prophet of my church, the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints, Gordon B. Hinckley said, "The best antidote I know for worry is work. The best cure for weariness is the challenge of helping someone who is even more tired. One of the great ironies of life is this: He or she who serves almost always benefits more than he or she who is served."
I am grateful for the speed at which information can be shared in this day and age. I saw this video pop up on facebook from one of my friends. I love it. It is perfect.
Considering the frequency at which individual discouragement comes, it can be easy to forget all that is beautiful and good. We cannot let this happen. Focus on the light, no matter how small, focus on the light. Focusing on eliminating the darkness will only give power to it. Work on increasing the light. Losing yourself in service to another is one way to do so, until eventually there is enough light to provide life and hope. Trust me. I've lived through this time and time again. Light will always outgrow the darkness if you cultivate and nurture it.
My heart is hurting. A hurt that I know everyone goes through. And yet it feels so personal and goes so deep that I can't seem to think anyone knows what I'm feeling. The details will be spared. I want to focus on realizing we can all take time to hurt. There is no way anyone can fully heal if they don't take time to acknowledge the pain and allow themselves time to grieve. Healing will come. I may not believe it right now, but I know it is true. I know the Atonement of Jesus Christ covers every heartache. I know the Atonement will help me through this seemingly insurmountable trial in my life.
Over the past week I have been so emotional it has truly inhibited by ability to notice the beauty that surrounds all of us. I was sitting in Church this past Sunday, tissues in hand to make sure no one could tell my makeup was slowly being washed away. I felt a little finger tap my shoulder. I ignored it. I felt two little fingers tap my shoulder. Again, I ignored it. Finally after a third and fourth attempt, I turned around. A handsome young boy had been so desperately trying to get my attention. I smiled as big as I could and let out a big "Hi!" As I turned my attention back to the speaker, I heard his sweet voice say, "Mom! She said hi!" His mother replied, "See? It isn't so hard, is it?"
While my argument that we need to take time to hurt still stands, we should not and cannot allow our hurt to stop us from realizing there is good in the world. It is so easy to become jaded during moments of hurt. I am guilty of this. Had I allowed my hurt to fully envelop me that day, I would have certainly affected someone. Just not in the way anyone would hope. That little boy's social experiment would have failed. Just as happiness is contagious, so is sadness.
There have been a few moments over the past week that I cannot afford to forget or label as "coincidences." They are proof that a loving Heavenly Father has not left me alone. These little "God winks" are there for us to realize He is still there. Maybe not in the way we would hope. But, He is still there. There is beauty in knowing this. While knowing this isn't a cure-all antidote for the hurt I am feeling, it does give me hope. An enduring hope that beauty does not disappear even in times of trial. We just have to have the eyes to see it and the hearts to hold it.
