I received unexpected grief for my last post. I am sorry for those I unintentionally hurt, but at the same time, I do not revoke any of the emotions that I expressed in my post(s). Is it fair that I can't have my closest friends and family (90% of whom are on the other side of the country) peek inside my heart, soul, and mind? I think not. I need to stand my ground, and I truly do stand by the things I feel and believe. I will not back down simply because it is inconvenient for someone to know the truth.
Friday and Saturday nights are typical "date nights." I had not spent any weekend outside the house over the past 4 weeks. It was too painful and too triggering. However, I had a friend reach out to me last Friday night. How refreshing it is to be with people who care for you and are there to comfort you, and still have fun. This wonderful and beautiful woman turned to me at dinner and said, "Mackenzie you truly are loved by so many." I've been playing that statement in my mind over and over again this week. Why is it that I can't accept the love and support that is coming my way? Don't get me wrong, I greatly appreciate those sweet sentiments, but at this point in time, I would rather have that one person still love me than for the whole world to love me, as bassackwards as that sounds. I (and I assume we) have many irrational thoughts, but that's why we have family and friends to call us out on them and force us to slowly change our thought processes.
In my social work class on trauma, I've learned so much thus far. But perhaps the most powerful things came from lecture yesterday. In brain scans, the neurons and dendrites that contain traumatized and negative thoughts are dark. However, those that contain healthy, positive thoughts are normal. But what is even more astounding is the plasticity of the brain. We can literally change our brain and the way we think! Slowly but surely, as we divert the pathways of negative and traumatized thought processes, we change the wiring in our brains. "Fake it till you make it" took on a whole new meaning yesterday. It takes a lot of work, but we can change how we think. There have been studies on Holocaust survivors, and they have been able move past the injustices against them by reframing, re-sensing, and re-purposing those traumatic events. I would add that forgiveness plays a huge factor in that as well. Another dear friend made this profound statement: "Mackenzie, you can demonize and hate someone, but then you have a bigger problem in the end: forgiving them." Forgiveness isn't about believing what someone did to you was acceptable, or that you deserved it. Rather it's letting go and not letting the ill feelings consume you. It's about love.
For the past two weeks, I've been able to sit with a woman who is not only my co-worker, but mentor and inspiration on Tuesday nights for dinner after dance. She asked me a hard question last night: "Mackenzie, what are you basing your self-worth on?" I began to choke up. I may say I'm recovered from my eating disorder, but I still base a large part of my self-worth on beauty. That "one" person used to tell me every time he saw me, "Mackenzie you are the most beautiful girl I know. In all seriousness, you are." No one has ever made me feel like royalty, but he did. Now that no one is there to express those same sentiments, my self-esteem has involuntarily plummeted. I'm definitely not admitting this to receive comments to make me feel better, but to realize that I cannot let someone's opinion of me make or break my day. I am beginning to learn through all this that I deserve certain things and in that same vein, I certainly don't deserve to be treated as I have. To come full circle, I can divert my association of worth with beauty to rewire my brain.
Brigham Young said it best: "Why should we worry about what others think of us, do we have more confidence in their opinions than our own?"
Another mentor gave me a kick in the pants years ago when she told me, "Mackenzie who is going to stand beside, up, or with you when no one else will? You need to be your own best friend and stand for you." More than ever, I need this advice.
Here is a song that I have listened to a couple hundred times over the past few weeks that reminds me that "I am here":
Not only am "I here," but so is my Heavenly Father and Savior. In Doctrine and Covenants 101:6 Jesus Christ says, "Therefore, let your hearts be comforted concerning Zion; for all flesh is in mine hands; be still and know that I am God."
