Reflexes

I was blessed with the opportunity to volunteer during my assigned shift at Inova Fairfax Hospital for Children on Saturday.  I was pulled into a patient's room to feed a 2 week old infant a bottle.  This may seem normal considering I do volunteer every week, many times holding infants.  However, this was an incredible experience.  This baby had been fed through an NG tube all 14 days of his life.  I was to be the first to feed him a bottle.  The moment the nipple touched his lips, he knew exactly what to do.  Mind you, a baby's first sucking for food is usually is not successful.  The nurse told me if the baby could not finish his bottle in 15 minutes, the rest would have to go through the NG tube.  Within 10 minutes, he had sucked the whole bottle down.  During this tender moment I smiled, looked at the nurse and said, "It's amazing the reflexes and instincts babies are born with."  

That experience, as is oft the case, has been on my mind this week.  As a result, I've thought about the reflexes and instincts that I have carried with me since birth.  Not necessarily the tangible survival instincts, but the unseen ones.  My natural instinct when something goes wrong is to crawl into a fetal position and sleep--sleep until I can wake up with a clean slate of a mind.  Sometimes, rather, my reflex is to fake it.  Put on a smile and be there for the people that need me.  These are just as crucial to my physical survival.  Without them, I would feel overwhelmed.  I am an introvert.  I am insecure.  I doubt myself and my abilities.  Because of these things, my instincts and reflexes act to protect me.  While there are better ones out there, these innate responses have served me for the past 21+ years.  I look back at the dark abysses they have pulled me from, I realize they no longer serve the same purpose they once did.  I have progressed beyond the point of crawling under covers every time I feel inadequate.  I am learning, slowly but surely, that I can seek a helping hand.  I can turn to beloved friends and family for help, support and love.  I do not have to carry my burdens on my own.  

This past week I was explaining a recent and monumental event (that I should be elated about) in my family's life to a dear friend.  I then began to relay difficult emotions surrounding the event to her.  She stopped me and emphatically said, "Mackenzie!  I don't know how you do it.  'Event X' has a occurred right at the most inopportune time.  You must be an emotional wreck." Tears began to fill my eyes.  She had nailed it right on the head.  No longer was there the need to hide it anymore.  

There is no time limit to pain.  I can cry and not feel ridiculous.  I can seek help and support and not allow the expectation of "you should be over this by now" overwhelm me.  I can still take time to hurt.  I look back a few years, even just a few months, and realize that my instinct would have been to shut my mouth and hide in my bed.  But oh how much better it feels to reach out and receive help in return!

Instincts come and go.  Try rubbing your finger against an adult's cheek.  He or she won't root, seeking for food.  Rooting doesn't stay with us for life.  Perhaps the personal, intangible instincts I've been carrying with me since birth have reached their allotted time.  Progression needs to occur.  I can grow and develop, one catastrophe at a time.