Loved and Alone

Many times it is so much easier to hate yourself than it is to love yourself.  It is easier to give into the worries, anxieties, and fears than to rise above and remain positive.  I may be recovered, but it certainly doesn't mean I am perfect or that I have a flawless life.  Recovery isn't about having it easy or always being able to see past trials.  I have far too many bad days full of discouragement and self-loathing.  However, the difference is that I have learned to sit with the feelings, and figure out the lack of logic behind them and the antidotes that will best alleviate the hurt.

I came home less than 4 days ago from a 16-day vacation to Italy and Greece.  Paradise, right?  Well, not always.  Being abroad has its downfalls too.  The outlets and their voltage are different.  Euros seem like monopoly money, and you can't help but buy everything when you feel that way.  You can't get Diet Coke, only Coca-Cola Light.  You're viewed as an easy target for scams and overpriced taxis.  The aforementioned are mostly insignificant.  The real thing that hurt me most of all was that I was completely disconnected from those I love.  I spent far too many days realizing how incredibly vulnerable I am to the self-hatred when I am in new and different environments with complete strangers.  How ironic these feelings were, considering just days before I had successfully let my doctor weigh me for the first time in a year and a half and felt as though I had just climbed Mt. Everest.  However, it was just too easy to let the hurt and pain rush in, looking at myself with a magnifying glass of biased scrutiny.

In a world of several billion, to feel alone is tragic, yet all too common.  I spent a lot of time in and on the Mediterranean Sea during my travels, whether traveling or swimming.  On one specific day near the end of the trip, I was on a ferry cruise.  I looked out from an isolated spot on the top deck and realized how alone I really felt.  With the expansive waters and uninhabited islands, I realized I am just one of the hundreds of billions of God's creations.  But, then so very quickly I was reminded of Christ, the Creator of this earth, calming the stormy seas.  He, who descended below everything and suffered more than any living thing will ever have to imagine, knows me.  He can calm my rocky heart.  I then felt the impression that the mountains, islands, sea, and all things therein were made for me.  The impression was crystal clear.  I am loved.  It's been said that Christ would have died even for just one of us.  I would extend this to believe that He and our Heavenly Father would have made this earth, whether for just you or for just for me.  Truly.

Now, I sit here with tears dropping onto my keyboard.  I am having another one of those days when it's all too tempting to criticize myself, telling myself I am nowhere good enough to be who I am.  

I just need to take a deep breath and remember, I may feel unworthy and alone, but I AM loved.  I cannot be so quick to forget this.  I am a daughter of a King.  Now, get up and go get 'em, Mackenzie!