While Dreams of Sugar Plums Danced in Their Heads...

Every year I perform the Nutcracker, I have a very different experience.  No two Nutcrackers are the same.  

I was fifteen and I distinctly remember being told by the ballet mistress at the Washington School of Ballet, in front of my entire class, that I was a horrible dancer who should have never been cast in the Nutcracker.  In retrospect, I know this was all a lie--a form of verbal and emotional abuse.  The Artistic Director of the Washington Ballet liked me and before the founder of the Washington Ballet died, she told my parents that I had great potential, I just needed to eat more.  Even this ballet mistress had loved me at one point.  But every time I came close to excelling, she would pull the rug out from under me.  That was my last Nutcracker before I reached my breaking point and quit dance.

Fast forward nearly 6 years.  I reconnected with the ballet teacher I had when I was 6 years old because I knew she was one of the only teachers I had who cared about her students as people, and nurtured them with love and compassion.  I knew that if I was going to face this monster named "dance," I would have to do it with someone I trusted.  Within a month, I was recruited by this teacher to perform the Sugar Plum Fairy in a shortened version of the Nutcracker.  I overcame great emotional struggles to perform the role that year.  I cried, I panicked.  The voices of ballet past came back.  But, I did it.  I have many mentors to thank for that.  One in particular has been my rock over the past few years, encouraging me every step of the way.  I went on to perform in front of loving friends and family.  I was on cloud 9.  

The following year, I performed the same role again.  The only difference was there was no partner to dance the Grand Pas de Deux with me.  I was much more relaxed, and enjoyed the time I spent with the little dancers.  I was touched to see so many parents, volunteers, and teachers come together and sacrifice for these dancers to put on a production to remember.  This was the first full length Nutcracker the studio would perform and it turned out to be a great success.  

This year, I performed two solo roles: the Snow Queen and the Sugar Plum Fairy.  This time I had a partner.  Interestingly enough, we had danced at the same studio when I was growing up.  Funny how things come full circle in this small world.  He was a great support and personal cheerleader.  I am so grateful we had the opportunity to dance together.  I rehearsed and dedicated much of my time to the production, hoping that my racing thoughts would come to halt.  This was the case.  I have a loving second family who took care of me at my lows.  My co-workers took me under their wings and nurtured me and helped me realize that I can do hard things.  Dance is therapeutic for me.  In the moments when I dance, my whole mind, body, and spirit are focused on that one thing.  There is no room for worries, fears, or negative thoughts to flood in.  And, when I'm on stage, it's just my partner and me.  Occasionally I would take a peek into the curtains and see my mentors and rocks watching lovingly as I danced.  Those images are ones that I will hold dear to my heart forever.  I wish I could thank thank to the degree to which I am grateful.  But for now, that is impossible.  I am truly indebted to them.  

I felt like a celebrity in Fauquier County this year.  I was featured in the Fauquier Times-Democrat, Warrenton Lifestyle, and had my picture plastered all over the town.  At the end of our last performance, I was bombarded with little girls wanting to take their picture with me and to have my autograph, telling me I was their favorite part of the Nutcracker.  How could a timid, beaten down girl turn into a blessed, passionate hero of little girls?  It's taken a lot--both from within and from outside support.  I wouldn't trade these experiences for anything.  Not even a chance to dance with a top-notch company, for dreams are actualized in the humblest of circumstances.