Endings [Hopefully] Lead to Wonderful Beginnings

During the past little bit, I have closed several chapters in my life.  For one, I traveled to Provo for what could be the last time.  There really is no reason for me to travel to Provo anymore, as Courtney is done with school in Provo and most of my friends will be graduating soon and moving on.  I do have to admit that I was a wreck for most of my time in Provo this last time.  I would beg to run errands for my sister so I could be in the car alone; the only time when I felt I could let my emotions loose.  No matter how many times I tell myself that BYU wasn't the best fit for me, I still have an emotional connection with the school.  It wasn't easy to leave Provo in a matter of hours.  And it certainly isn't easy to return to relive those memories.  

But, I have a new opportunity in front of me.  I am beginning classes at GMU on Monday.  I am beyond a wreck.  A new school.  No one I know on campus.  No idea where things are or what to expect.  But, as scared and uneasy as I feel right now, I know that my Heavenly Father has a plan for me.  This knowledge is what is going to help me walk through the doors of my first class.  A beautiful opportunity that will allow me to lean on Him.

I said goodbye to Shelter House for the second time.  I interned with the Senior Community Case Manager at Shelter House for the past 2 summers.  The internship came at a time when I needed it the most.  The hardest part of saying goodbye was knowing that due to confidentiality, I will not be able to hear of the successes of the clients I worked with.  I can only dream of what their lives will be like in a few months.  May God Bless them.

Once again, there is a new beginning in store for me with the close of this chapter: I will see other facets of social work from now on.  As I progress in my program, I will have several required internships that will allow me to explore what I really want to do with the degree.  I've only had experience in the homeless sector.  First with FACETS and then with Shelter House.  I pray that doors will open for me as I know they will for my clients.

People enter our lives for a reason.  When I began volunteering at Fairfax Hospital, I met another LDS member around my age.  It was no coincidence that we worked the same shift in the same unit.  I was so blessed to be able to feel connected to someone during a time in my life when I felt so alone.  Now that 6 months have passed since I began volunteering, I feel more at ease because I met her--not just in the hospital setting, but in social situations with other single members in the Church.  I am so grateful for a Heavenly Father who knows better than myself what I need in every moment.

Due to a scheduling conflict, I can no longer work the same shift as that sweet young lady.  I'm not quite sure what the new beginning will be, but there's got to be one, right?

I have a testimony of the love Heavenly Father and His Son, Jesus Christ, have for each one of us.  I know my Heavenly Father takes note of every tear that hits my pillow at night.  I know tears are a part of the plan just as much as are smiles and laughs.  Here's to many smiles and laughs that are bound to come (hopefully) soon.  

For This Reason Were You Saved

Children's curiosity has no limits.  When I was young, I would follow every statement with "why?"  I was born with the desire to know the reasons why to every question, every situation, and every problem.  

I'm still this way.

I was blessed to have a friend move back into the area after almost a year, and as a result we have spent hours talking, just catching up.  As we spoke, he told me of times in his life where his life has been saved.  In situations where many would have died.  I knew that this was no coincidence.  It's not just luck.  There must be a reason why he was saved, when so many are not.  

I then began to turn  to my life.  Last summer, I left the office where I work with enough time to get to an appointment I had in Vienna.  The distance between the starting point and the ending location was great enough that I had to take I-66 to Vienna.  It was about 4 PM, and rush hour had not yet quite begun and because I was not in any particular hurry, I went the speed limit (which is a rare occurrence for anyone in the DC Metro area).  I was about to my exit, when a car sped diagonally, just barely missing the front end of my car.  I honked and then to my horror I witnessed the vehicle cross two or three more lanes of traffic, speed off the road, onto a hill and into a huge tree.  After I caught my breath, I pulled to the side of the road, as did many.  The car was crushed into the side of the tree and the driver was trapped.  A few brave men tried to pry the door open with no success.  I stood, confused and befuddled as firemen, paramedics, and policemen pulled onto the scene.  I left after giving a statement.  As I turned on my engine, I began to quietly sob.  If I had left even a second earlier, had I pushed on the gas pedal just a little more, I would have been crushed between the now totaled car and the tree.  I will never comprehend why I walked away with my life that day.  That was not luck.  That was divine intervention.  

I want a concrete answer.  I want someone to say, "For this reason were you saved."  None of us may know why we were alive before we die.  Maybe the purpose behind my life has already been accomplished.  Until I know, I will be on pins and needles.  

Not by Coincidence

I've had a lot of experiences this week that remind me that life is not just a huge pile of coincidences.  

On Monday I was able to view a triple bypass heart surgery (and I didn't even faint!).  To see the heart at work is an incredible experience.  But, to learn how and be able to witness the body work to survive and eventually heal is amazing.  The knowledge, skills, and technology we have now to save lives is beyond my comprehension.  This is not by coincidence.

Yesterday I went with my dear friend Erin to tour the Capitol.  (Might I add that my sister far exceeded the abilities and charisma of our tour guide.)  At the beginning of the tour we were shown a short film to educate visitors on the history of the Capitol and Congress.  The struggles of our country's founding fathers came to life once again for me.  There is no doubt in my mind that God's hand was in the creation of our country.  Our Constitution was not created by happenstance.  It was not a coincidence.  

If God is able to create and inspire, maybe there is hope.  

Inspired

It's been a hard week for me.  I don't feel like I belong.  Part of me holds resentment towards the dance world, or maybe myself for being so alone.  For the most part I don't sit around, sulking.  I've tried to reach out.  I've tried to get out.  It's summer, but it feels like winter in my mind.  

I prayed that I would have a meaningful experience during my weekly volunteer shift at Inova Fairfax Children's Hospital.  No such luck.  There were 5 volunteers and no patient needs.  Okay maybe 1, but the baby quickly fell asleep and then the parents came to reclaim their position in the rocking chair.  Well, I needed to make up some hours and went in on Saturday.  I knew there would be nothing to do.  If Friday was slow, imagine Saturday when a lot of parents don't have to work.  Well, my negative attitude quickly faded as I realized that there was 1 of me and about 4 babies and a toddler or two that needed rocking or playtime.  I spent the entire 3 hours with one baby.  Her parents had come in earlier that morning, but had not held her.  She was fussy.  "I like to be held" was written on the white board in her room.  This sweet little girl, who was probably too young to see much, began to look all around.  The view from the hospital crib is...wait a minute there is no view between the metal bars and plastic overhang.  Finally her eyes would settle on me and then to the toy I was told she loved. After about 45 minutes of feeding through her NG tube, she fell asleep.  And so did my arm.  I would try to reposition her and she would begin to fuss.  3 hours passed when I put her back in her crib.  I began to inconspicuously leave the room, but she began to wail.  I peered back in, and once her eyes met mine, she stopped for a moment.  It seemed as though she was telling me, Please, don't leave.  I apologized to the nurse and expressed my regret that I had to go.  The nurse thanked me and noted that it was something the little girl really needed and that she would be fine.  I knew that the nurse meant that the little girl was used to lack of attention and would quickly soothe herself.  Having been in the hospital since birth, this infant would never be afraid of strangers.  This was her life.   And this is mine--to learn to fight.  Not a tangible health condition like this little girl.  No, something that I fear I will always have to fight underneath the facade that I am well and happy.  Something I have become skilled at doing.  The brutality of an eating disorder.  The devastation of depression.  And, the fear that I will never find happiness.  

The meaning behind the title of this blog keeps ricocheting in my mind.  I am learning from others how to love myself.  Maybe this infant had a larger impact on me than I had on her.  Just maybe this experience which she will never remember is one that I will treasure forever.

Adventures in Utah

Boy did I feel like a new mother when I left Friday morning for Utah.  I texted my mom at 7 AM to ask how my dog was as I was sitting on the tarmac.  Every time my parents called me, or I called them, I cared more about my puppy than anything else.  I worried that he wouldn't remember me, or he would grow too much.  I brought pictures and movies to share with my sister and friends.  I even talked to my Riley on the speaker phone.  Dad said he recognized my voice, but I think Dad was just trying to calm my nerves.  Below is a picture of Riley's graduating "puppy kindergarten" class, minus a few.

In other news, Amelia and Christian were married and I was able to be there!  Well, actually outside the temple and at the reception.  Yep, I've been to 4 weddings in the past year and never been able to witness one.  

It was a new experience to be able to wait outside the Salt Lake Temple.  Courtney and I arrived at 1:15, 15 minutes after the ceremony started.  I was worried that I would miss her coming out of the temple.  You never know how long the ceremony will take.  Well, we were so worried that we had missed it, I began to ask people what wedding they were there for.  We found out that the next bride preparing to come out had her ceremony begin at 12:20.  So, we got to watch 3-4 brides come out before we met Amelia and Christian.  It really is like what everyone jokes about; brides come out every 15 minutes.  All the families wait anxiously for their bride and groom.  On one occasion someone had to yell to the crowd:  "Whose bride is this?"  And then everyone would back up and let the respective family forward.  The famous picturesque staircases had people waiting for their opportunity for pictures.  Well, while we were waiting for the pictures, I experimented with my camera.

While the photographer was taking photos of Amelia and Christian and their families, we were assigned to be the entertainment for the kids in the pictures.  You know how a photographer usually has a squeaky toy or rattle to make the kids look at the camera?  Well, Courtney and I were the toys.  :)

The reception was beautiful.  I love my friends so much.  It was bittersweet be in Utah for the weekend.  It's hard to be so far away from those I love.  The friends that mean so much to me.  It was hard to leave, not knowing when I'll be back.  I love you.  I guess for now it's my position to create and strengthen new relationships.  But they will never be the same.  Ciao for now.